


Self-Indulgence

by TallFreak7



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Rewrite, Canon-Typical Violence, Everybody Lives, F/M, I Finished Part 2 So I Had To Make This As Therapy, Internal Conflict, Joel lives, No abby, Older Man/Younger Woman, Rewrite, Self-Indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:41:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 32,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24989971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TallFreak7/pseuds/TallFreak7
Summary: Ellie has a pretty good life. She's got some good friends, she has a roof over her head, she lives in a gated community away from the flesh eating monsters that roam the outside world...Now if only she could figure out this whole "love life" thing, she'd have it made.-----I finished The Last of Us Part 2 and immediately started writing this to cope.
Relationships: Ellie/Joel (The Last of Us)
Comments: 58
Kudos: 413





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, welcome to my entirely self indulgent TLOU story. After finishing the second game I needed something a little light to help my heart recover from the shotgun blast that was Part 2. So here we have a rewrite of the first few hours of the game, but instead it's Ellie and Joel who are going to run the creek trails, not Ellie and Dina. Why?
> 
> Because I am Ellie/Joel trash.
> 
> A few things to keep in mind for this story. Some will be brought up later but I feel the need to go over it now in case you are wondering:  
> 1\. Ellie and Joel reconciled a couple months after he confessed to what he did to the Fireflies. Hence the lack of tension over that event in the first chapter.  
> 2\. Abby and her friends did not come to Jackson, they are all still in Seattle doing about what they would be doing normally.  
> 3\. I am Ellie/Joel trash
> 
> Alright, with that out of the way, enjoy my entirely self serving story that was born from me watching the scene of Dina and Ellie smoking and my mind immediately wondering: What would it have been like if Ellie smoked with Joel?

Ellie awoke to the sound of knocking at her door. She blinked, the punk rock posters on her wall coming into focus, before rolling over to see what time it was.

And being greeted with the wonderful knowledge that she had overslept.

“Shit.” She breathed, quickly getting out of bed to make her way to the door.

“Hey, sorry I—” Ellie started, before stopping when she wasn’t greeted with the sight of an annoyingly calm Jessie. Standing in his spot was an old texan man, with a raised brow and a small smile hidden behind his beard.

“Joel?” Ellie asked. “What’s up? Where’s Jessie?”

“Infected spotted up north.” Joel explained. “Maria sent him and Tommy to check it out a little bit ago.”

“But what about our route?”

“I’ll be runnin' it with you today.” He shrugged. “Or I will be when you get dressed.”

When Ellie went to sleep last night, she felt the weight of apprehension pushing her into her mattress at the thought of spending a whole morning alone with Jesse after what happened last night. So to find out she not only didn’t have to deal with all that awkwardness, but she even got to spend it with her favorite person in the whole world? Ellie’s day was already off to a great start, needless to say.

“Awesome.” She grinned, before quickly running around to collect her stuff.

With a quick sniff test, she judged her clothes to be… adequate enough. Really, how clean did they need to be? She was going to be running around getting them all sweaty anyway. And she already slept in, no need to make them any later than they already were.

“You did not just do that.” Joel groaned comically from the door way.

Ellie shrugged before shoving her gun and journal into her backpack. “They’re clean enough.”

“Girl you are all types of a mess.”

She ignored his assessment and shrugged on her coat and backpack. After hobbling from one foot to the other in an effort to quickly put on her shoes, she finally closed her front door behind her and smiled at her humored best friend/father figure/guy-who-causes-her-a-whole-lot-of-weird-thoughts-why-don’t-know-doesn’t-matter “The dynamic duo rides again.”

Joel sighed as he began to walk off. “No matter how much you try, that name ain’t catchin' on.”

“It’s all about patience.” She said to his retreating back, jogging slightly to catch up with his longer stride.

“It’s been four years.”

“I’m a very patient woman.” Ellie said, walking side by side with Joel past the green houses, greeting people here or there as they made their way to the main strip.

Jackson, their home for almost half a decade, had only expanded since they had laid roots. As the population grew, so to had the number of buildings, until the wide expanse of rustic architecture stretched for at least a mile and a half from wall to wall. And within the tall surrounding barrier that separated them from the dangers of the outside world, a community had been created that could almost make you forget about the flesh-eating monsters that roamed the earth.

Said community was out in full force this morning, a sign she really _had_ slept in. She could see Jenny the carpenter talking to Rachael the seamstress about a leak that had sprung in her roof. Joel greeted the Berry brothers and their father as they carried logs into the woodworking area to be chopped up for firewood, furniture, housing resources, or any other wood related need. Ellie couldn’t help but notice Miss Stevens drinking coffee with Zach off to the side a bit further away from the rest of the hustle and bustle, feeling pretty confident in the bet she put for the “When will they finally start going out?” pool. As they passed Old man Rogers, sitting in his rocking chair and plucking away at the strings of his old banjo, his trusty canine companion came up for the obligatory dose of affection he expects from all passersby. An obligation neither Ellie nor Joel denied him.

Even in the chill of the early winter morning, the warmth and comfort of Jackson could be felt everywhere, in the lights, in the sound of children laughing in the distance, in the calm lull of conversation as people huddled around each other to keep just the slightest bit warmer, in the crunch of snow underhoof as a horse and it’s rider trots by, or in the fact Ellie could walk right down the street and not feel like she needed to look over her shoulder for a runner or a bandit or any other fiend that wanted to end her young life.

But the biggest change had to have been in the man walking next to her. Ellie looked up at Joel and still couldn’t stop herself from marveling at how different he looked. The years here in Jackson had done a world of difference for him. Gone was the ever-agitated man, always on the watch for danger, always ready to lash out at any perceived threats, always waiting for the other shoe to drop; always surviving, never living.

In his place was a man at peace, one who looked around not in anticipation but in appreciation for the home he had, who walked as one who was comfortable in his surroundings, and who helped others out without the expectation of due compensation (within reason). He was no longer just a survivor; he was a part of a community. And he actually _talked_ to people, people who weren’t just Tommy or Ellie herself, and in a non-threatening way to boot!

The new comfortable air he carried allowed his old texan charm to rise back to the surface, which led to its own brand of problems when some of the single woman of Jackson started to take notice of him. Or at least that’s what she’s over heard, she hasn’t actually had the displeasure of being present when someone flirted with Joel, and thank God for that. Talk about awkward. But even in a theoretical sense it was a problem.

Well, to Ellie it was a problem. And by problem she meant an annoyance she will never address in anyway. There was no way she was going to let her stupid… whatever get in the way of Joel finding happiness with someone, even if that someone wasn’t her.

Which it wouldn’t be, because that doesn’t make sense.

What was she doing even thinking stuff like that?

Granted it would make everyone in the situation happy—

But that’s just stupid, right?

Right.

Stupid.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stup—

“That a new song you writin’?” Joel asked, his Texas drawl drawing her from her own confusing thoughts.

“Huh?” Ellie asked dumbly, blinking back to reality and realizing with horror she had been staring at him the entire time. She quickly looked away, hoping beyond hope she wasn’t blushing or anything stupid like that. “Huh?” She repeated, just as dumbly as before.

“I asked is that a new song you’re writin’.” He repeated. “Now, sayin' stupid repeatedly is an odd chorus, I will admit—”

“Oh god.” Ellie muttered under her breath. Of course, she had to have said that part out loud.

Wait, was that the only part?

Oh, fuck!

Ellie cleared her throat before preparing to flex every bit of lying skills she had to get out of this potentially dangerous conversation. “No, I was just thinking about something stupid.”

“I could tell that much.” Joel chuckled, waving casually at a passing family. “And what, pray tell, is so stupid it would lead to such a fevered mumblin'?”

“I was just thinking about… me.” She admitted stupidly, steering into the danger like an idiot.

“Would this have anythin' to do with your kiss last night?” She didn’t need to see him to know he was smirking up a storm. Which was convenient since she was adamantly _not_ looking at him.

Ellie covered her face with her hands and groaned, which no doubt earned her some looks from some passersby. At least she wasn’t worried about what thoughts may or may not have leaked anymore, that honor having been replaced with the jumbled mess she called a love life being shoved back into the spotlight. “She kissed me.”

“I saw some reciprocation if I do recall.”

Oh god, this was not at all the conversation she wanted to be having so early in the morning. Or in the middle of the afternoon. Or late at night.

Honestly if this conversation could never happen for the rest of time, she’d be quite content.

“No shame in young love.” Joel stated, sounding pleased as punch to offer such a nugget of wisdom.

“It’s not love.” Ellie corrected with an eye roll and a sigh. “Seriously, she didn’t mean anything by it. She just likes to do that type of stuff; she was probably just trying to get Jessie jealous or something.”

“Whatever you say.” Joel chuckled, opening the door to the Tipsy Bison for her with a knowing smirk on his face.

As they entered, her ears being met with the runoff of overlapping conversations from the various groups of their fellow survivors, she used the change of location to veer the conversation towards something that wasn’t confusing as hell; food. “What we having for breakfast?”

“We ain’t havin’ nothin’.” Joel denied. “I already ate.”

Ellie gasped with fake offense. “Without me?”

“Well maybe if you woke up sooner you could have joined me.” He reminded her, tapping her on the nose.

“Last night was weird, man.” Ellie grumbled, rubbing her neck. “Besides, I thought I was running with Jesse today so I was kinda trying to avoid him as long as I could.”

“Because you kissed his girlfriend, right?”

“First of all, _she_ kissed _me_.” She reminded him. “Second of all, they broke up a week ago.”

Joel’s brow scrunched. “I thought you said they just got back together.”

“That was like, two weeks ago.”

Joel shook his head. “I can’t keep straight all you kids and y’alls relationship drama.” He grumbled. He looked over her head and his eyes brows raised in acknowledgment. “Ah, forgot to mention, Maria wanted to speak to you.”

Ellie turned and spotted Maria amongst the rabble. The mature woman carried the entire community on her back, and she had the attitude to back it up. No matter the issue or conflict, Maria was ready and willing to butt whatever heads she needed to make sure Jackson was safe and secure. Basically, she was a fucking hero in Ellie’s eyes.

A hero who would no doubt make her talk to a certain bigot. An activity she had no interest in partaking in.

Ellie quickly turned back around and moved to hide behind Joel. “Shit, did she see me?” Ellie whispered, doing her best to not stand out.

“Nope.” Joel whispered back, not at all put out at her antics. “You ain’t avoidin' this one, kiddo.”

“Can’t we just, I don’t know, pretend we didn’t see her and just leave?”

“Just go talk to her.” He sighed, pushing her back out in front of him.

“But—”

“Hey, Maria.” Joel called out. “You wanted to speak to Ellie?”

The betrayal made her mouth drop open.

“Why yes I did, thank you Joel.” Maria’s voice called back from behind her, making Ellie scrunch her brow in misery.

“Just get it over with and we can hit the road.” Joel advised gently as he pushed her towards the bar counter.

“Traitor.” She whispered at him, which unfortunately just made him laugh. Ellie turned back towards the smiling Maria and sighed, before finally making her feet move.

A she sidled up to the community leader, her arms were crossed, and her face left no question as to how much she did not want to be there. “What?” Ellie said in lieu of a greeting.

“Well good morning to you too sleeping beauty.” Maria grinned, taking a sip from her nearby coffee mug.

Ellie rolled her eyes but ignored the prod. “I don’t want to talk to him, Maria.”

“Well can you do it anyway?” Maria asked, dropping all pretense. “For me?”

Ellie sighed and looked around for any excuse she could use to say no. When her search came up empty, she met Maria’s eyes and nodded reluctantly. “Fine, but if he says anything—”

“He won’t, if he knows what’s good for him.” Maria said simply, waving over the man in question.

From the other side of the bar came the old bartender Seth, his aged face tense with nerves as he eyed both Ellie and Maria while his hands fiddled with the package he was holding. He nodded at Ellie and offered a hesitant “Hey.”

Ellie gestured with her hands but kept silent, while internally praying he kept whatever spiel he prepared brief so she could get the fuck out of there.

“Look, last night… I was drinking too much.” Seth offered, making Ellie internally roll her eyes.

A nice excuse. He probably spent all morning coming up with it, too. But the alcohol didn’t put those thoughts in his head, they just loosened his tongue. Ellie decided, wisely, to keep this little bit of truth to herself, instead she offered him a simple “Sure.”

“I’m trying to say I’m sorry.” He explained, frustration allowing a bit more of his real self to come to the surface. His eyes flicked to Maria, who was watching their exchange calmly, then they flicked over by the entrance before they widened. Suddenly the frustration melted away, his body now tense and alert. “Maria, uh, said you and Joel are headed out, so I, uh, made you some sandwiches.” His voice was louder now, as if he was trying to make sure someone other then just Ellie heard him. “They’re steak.” He explained further as he placed them on the counter.

Ellie watched his whole display with confusion. Head of the community or not, there was no way Maria would put enough fear into a man like Seth as to make his whole attitude change on a dime. Especially without even saying a word. And despite her own survival prowess, Ellie knows she’s not that scary. Which just leaves…

As subtly as she could, she glanced out the corner of her eye to where she left Joel. He seemed calm, his demeaner friendly as he chatted with one of the other bar patrons.

But Ellie could see he was watching Seth like a hawk.

Ah, that makes sense.

She bit back a laugh as she glanced back at the offered sandwiches. Steak or no, she wanted nothing to do with Seth, and that included his cooking. “Okay.” She shrugged in acknowledgment but left them where they lied.

Seth seemed at a loss as to how proceed what with the rejection of his olive branch and Ellie had nothing left to say to him to fill the void, luckily Maria came to both of their rescues by grabbing the sandwiches and giving Seth an undeserved smile. “Thank you, Seth.” She said as she handed the tainted food to Ellie.

“Yeah. Well, uh…” Seth started, opening and closing his mouth in hesitation before waving at Ellie and saying, “you be safe out there.” With that, he turned and fled back to the kitchen, freeing Ellie from the awkward as hell conversation.

Maria smiled at Ellie. “I do appreciate that.”

Ellie sighed. “That’s me, people pleaser.”

“Well consider me pleased.” Maria chuckled. “Now, I’ll let you be on your way. Stay safe out there, will you?” Maria nodded at Ellie, before turning to talk to someone else.

Ellie turned back to find Joel, ready to bother him until he admitted what he said to Seth, only to see him slip out the door. Before she could make chase, a hand touched her on the shoulder.

“Ellie, so glad I caught you.” A sweet voice came from over her shoulder.

Fuck. This was so not who she wanted to talk to today. Or ever, really.

Ellie schooled her features to be anything but the grimace she wanted to wear and turned to greet the woman. “Sarah, hey.”

Sarah Joe, a worker over at the dam. She was a friendly woman, always ready with a slightly gap-toothed smile and a laugh for anyone she met. Ellie really had no idea how a woman as nice as her could have survived this long in the apocalypse, the image of her killing anything, let alone an infected person, was so wrong her brain almost refused to process it. And she was really fucking pretty, too.

Which made it all the worse when she began to so obviously pine after Joel. Well, obvious to Ellie what with her hyper vigilant monitoring of Joel’s love life. Nothing too invasive, just listening to the grape vine or asking a couple questions here or there. Just a matter of friendly concern of course, not any idiotic feelings of jealousy or anything stupid like that. And she would never do anything to sabotage these endeavors, she wouldn’t think of doing that to Joel.

Really, she wouldn’t.

“Hey.” Sarah smiled that 1000 watt smile again, her eyes glancing back to the door Joel just walked out of. “You’re going out on patrol with Joel, right?”

“Yup.” Ellie nodded, rolling back and forth on her feet in an effort to not look like she was fighting the urge to flee. “Why?”

“Well,” Sarah started, tucking some of her greying blond hair behind her ear. “I was just wondering if you knew what Joel’s plans were tonight?”

Sarah’s face was so hopeful, her green eyes bright, and it just made Ellie’s stomach curdle as her mind skidded to a halt.

She wants to know if he has plans… so she can ask him out. Sarah is going to ask Joel out. They will go on a date, because of course he’ll say yes, she’s fucking gorgeous. They’ll go on a date, then they’ll get married, might even have a kid; he’s going to be happy.

Which is good, right? Isn’t that what Ellie wants, for Joel to be happy?

Yes, of course it is. So, she should just tell the truth, or at least as much of the truth that she knows, and give this woman the green light to ask Joel out.

“He’s busy.” She blurted out instead, surprising herself and internally cringing at the disappointment that began to bleed into Sarah’s face.

What the fuck? Why did she say that?

“Oh.” Sarah said, a small frown on her heart shaped lips. “Do you know what he’s doing?”

Her mouth might have rebelled for a second there, but Ellie can recover this, she can make this right. All she has to do is say it was a slip of the tongue. Just say she got confused and thought Sarah was talking about tomorrow night. Or maybe just lie again, say she’ll tell him to clear his “full” schedule.

If you use a lie to recover from another lie, then they basically cancel each other out, right?

“We’re gonna be watching a movie.” Ellie lied again; her mouth having pulled a full-on mutiny. “It’s, uh, our movie night.”

Sarah’s disappointment blended back into her normal smile; her eyes gentle with understanding as she shook her head. “Well I can’t get in the way of father-daughter movie night, now can I?”

“He’s not my dad.” Ellie corrected. Because that was _obviously_ the most important part of the conversation.

Sarah shrugged. “Either way, don’t worry about it. I’ll just try another day.”

Please don’t.

“You do that.” Ellie nodded, backing away towards the door before anymore rouge lies could jump out her mouth. “I’ll, uh, see you around.” She waved farewell with her sandwich filled hand, before turning and fleeing out the door.

The sudden temperature change was, appropriately, like a bucket of cold water to her mind. With the wave of clarity, she saw her actions with new eyes and it did not paint a pretty picture. For no other reason then for her own selfish interest, she lied right to Sarah’s face just so she wouldn’t have to think about Joel and her having any amount of alone time together. Like a child who didn’t want to give up her toy. And Joel, her best friend and person she cares about the most, was the one who'll suffers because of it.

Well that just won’t do. But she can fix it, it’s not too late. With a new found sense of determination, she prepared herself to be the best fucking wing-woman Sarah could ever ask for. Joel better be ready, because Ellie was about to sing the local gap-toothed goddess praises to the highest of heavens. By the end of their route Joel will be quacking in his boots with the urge to sweep Sarah off her feet.

She was so focused on her plan that she didn’t hear Joel mosey on up, until his voice came from right behind her. “I assume the talk with Seth went well?”

Ellie turned quick, mouth already loaded with the first of many compliments she was going to be paying Sarah that day, but her tongue froze the moment she caught sight of him. His hazel eyes were alight with mirth, the smile behind his graying beard warm, and the strength of his body, even in his advanced age, was radiating off him like the sun, burning away her determination until it was nothing but ashes in the wind.

If Ellie was _really_ being honest, Sarah wasn’t all that anyway. Joel could _so_ do better.

“Uh huh.” Ellie nodded, plan dying as fast as it was born, before glaring comically at him. “But you knew that would happen, didn’t you?”

“I don’t know what you mean.” He denied, his perfectly refined poker face in full effect.

“Don’t even with me, dude. I saw his reaction when he spotted you, guy looked like he was gonna pee his pants.”

“I just happen to have that effect on people,” He shrugged casually, “Especially if they hurt you, kiddo.”

Fuck, Ellie really should be mad at his whole macho “I gotta protect you from everything” attitude, but she’d be lying if she said the sight of Seth being so afraid of him didn’t tickle her pink. And while having someone care so much about you as to threaten others on your behalf might no longer be exclusive to Joel, it would always be special coming from him since he was the _first _. So, she couldn’t really find it in herself to be too upset.__

____

“Well you did a damn good job.” Ellie laughed, pushing the offered sandwiches into his chest. “And for that, you get the spoils.”

____

Joel rotated the sandwiches this way and that in his hand before taking a sniff. “What’s this?”

____

“Bigot sandwiches.” Ellie said. “And they’re all yours.”

____

Joel frowned hard, looking at the sandwiches darkly, before turning and handing it to a woman nearby. “Hey, you want these?”

____

She took them and took a sniff. “Mhm~, steak. You sure you wanna give these up?”

____

“Have at ‘em.” Joel waved her off, turning back to Ellie with a smile. “Alright, can we _finally_ get going?” He asked, moving back onto the path before she even answered.

____

“You didn’t have to do that.” Ellie said, smiling despite her statement as she walked beside him.

____

“I know.” He nodded. “But do _you_ know that we’re doin' the creek trails today?”

____

“How would I have known that?” Ellie asked. “I didn’t even know I was running with you until this morning.”

____

“Good point.” He conceded. “You familiar with it?”

____

“Eh, I know we’ve done it before once or twice.” Ellie shrugged. “But that’s about it.”

____

They kept quiet after that, both of them just taking in the sounds of life in Jackson as they mentally prepared themselves to return to the cruelty of the outside world. As they passed the playground, Ellie couldn’t help but stop and watch the children as they were in the midst of an all out snowball war. In another world, flinging clumped up hunks of snow at each other would be the closest any of them would get to combat, but it's not that world anymore. Now all these kids will know how to shoot a gun by the time they're 10, with some knowing before even then. Childhood has a drasicitally reduced shelf-life in the post-outbreak world.

____

But for now they're still just kids, who's biggest worry is what they'll have for dinner tonight. So, naïve, so innocent, so wonderful.

____

Or at least she was thinking that before she caught a face full of snowball.

____

“Hey, she’s not in the game asshole!” A voice she really did not want to hear called from the playground. Popping up from behind cover was Dina, her coat and hair covered in snow to honor her contributions to the war effort. She smiled at Ellie, which made Ellie's chest tighten. “I’m tapping out.” Dina called out again, being met by a chorus of disappointed school children, before she began to jog over to where Ellie was standing.

____

“I’ll meet you at the horses.” Joel whispered in her ear, his steps light as he whistled away.

____

“Fuck.” Ellie muttered, rubbing her neck awkwardly as Dina approached.

____

What the fuck was with today, making her talk to all the people she absolutely did not want to talk to?

____

“Hey.” Dina greeted with a smile as she fiddled with her own fingers. The sight offered Ellie a bit of relief that she wasn’t the only one who had no idea what the fuck they were doing.

____

“Hey.” Ellie greeted back, glancing away as a shy smile was on her lips.

____

“So, about last night—”

____

“Yeah, sorry about running off like that.” Ellie apologized, a grimace crawling onto her face at the memory. Last night was a fucking mess overall, from the kiss to the almost fight she got in with Seth to her fucking high tailing it home to get away from the maelstrom of thoughts her mind always went through when around Dina. Or Cat. Or Sarah. Or really anyone who wasn’t Joel. Fuck it happened around him to. Maybe she’s just a fucking mess.

____

“No, no, I understand, really. I just, you know…” Dina said, running her fingers over the fence separating them. “I felt bad, for starting the whole thing.

____

“Seth started it by being a fucking bigot, _you_ did nothing.”

____

“Well, I wouldn’t say that.” Dina shrugged, tilting her head to the side as a coy smirk lit up her face. “Kissing you was definitely _not_ nothing.”

____

“Uh,” Ellie started, rubbing at her nose as she glanced towards the stables. “Thanks. You, uh, you too. I mean, it didn’t feel like nothing to me, too.” Ellie frowned, kicking the fence gently before muttering out “Fuck, I’m bad at this.”

____

“Bad at what?” Dina snorted. “Talking?”

____

Ellie sighed. “Among other things.”

____

“Ellie!” Joel’s voice echoed from the stables. “Come on, before all the snow melts!”

____

Ellie blew a raspberry in his direction. He couldn’t see it or hear it, but it made her feel better. “He is so dramatic.”

____

“We better get a move on, don’t want Dad to get mad at us.” Dina snickered as she hopped the fence.

____

“He’s _not_ my dad.” Ellie muttered, focusing once again on the _most_ important part of the conversation.

____

“Whatever you say, Ellie.”

____

Ellie did not call Joel her “dad”, nor did he ever say he wanted her to. It wasn’t something they decided on, she just didn’t do it. Perhaps she would have done it eventually, after enough years of their current dynamic had went by. Maybe, one day, she would have called him “Dad” by accident, and after that the name would just stick. Maybe all that could have happened.

____

If Ellie hadn’t started being so fucking weird about him.

____

Cause now the idea of calling Joel “Dad” makes her feel physically ill, like she was crossing a line of morality drawn at the dawn of time. Her mind was already hard as hell to pin down, she didn’t need the judgment of her ancestors adding any fuel to the fire.

____

Dina seemed as unbothered as always, humming a little ditty to herself as their shoes crunched through the snow, and Ellie felt once again jealously at how composed Dina looked, because Ellie was pretty sure she looked like a fucking mess. It would be appropriate; she should look the same on the inside as on the outside.

____

It was all Dina’s fault, too.

____

Don’t get Ellie wrong, she likes Dina.

____

A lot.

____

And that is precisely the problem. It was the same problem she had with Cat. She gets to knows these women, lets them get to know her, they get close, sparks start to fly…

____

And she pulls back.

____

Every time.

____

Why? Why is she stopping herself from being with these people she obviously likes, and who obviously like her back? Why is she putting herself through the fucking ringer just because she has feelings for these women?

____

“Ellie, so you finally decided to join us.” Joel smiled at her, his hands holding the reins of both their tacked and ready to ride horses, as Dina and Ellie entered the stables.

____

Because of that asshole.

____

Every time she tried to let go and actually fall for someone, Joel would flash into her mind and it would all be ruined. She’d be physically unable to stop herself from comparing the two, and of fucking course Joel would always win. Each and every time, no matter who it was. Which didn’t even fucking make sense, why is she comparing Joel to people she’s trying to date? It’s a question she’s asked herself many times and yet the answer still eludes her. She tried to ignore it with Cat, tried to just let her thoughts of Joel fade into the background in the hopes really loving Cat would drown those feelings in the deepest part of the sea where they belonged.

____

It did not end well.

____

And now here she is, feeling the exact same way about Dina. Dina who was really fucking pretty with her golden-brown skin, cute as hell freckles, and deep brown eyes.

____

And they fucking kissed last night! And it felt awesome!

____

So why the fuck did she immediately, without even giving herself a second to enjoy the feel of Dina’s soft lips, start wondering how it would feel to kiss Joel? To feel his lips move against hers, to feel his beard prick and poke at her face, to feel his strong, large hands grab onto her and pull her in tight?

____

Because she’s a fucking weirdo, that’s why. It’s the only explanation she could find.

____

It’s why she ran after Seth’s bigoted thoughts interrupted their moment, the guilt of not even being fully present while Dina kissed her kept eating at Ellie until she couldn’t find it in within herself to try and say anything. So, she booked it all the way home, dove under her covers, and tried to forget she even existed.

____

And, of course, Dina would try to forgive _Ellie_ , because she was just fucking cool like that. And if Ellie could just get over her dumbass-ness long enough she could really find something special with her.

____

Unfortunately, her dumbass-ness so far seemed to be a permanent fixture.

____

How much she wished she could figure out what was wrong with her. If nothing else then to at least know _why._ And maybe, if she knew that much, she could use it to stop this awful limbo of indecision and confusion she found herself trapped in.

____

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Ellie mocked as she grabbed hold of Shimmer’s reigns and began to caress the horse’s neck, using biting sarcasm to hide the abject turmoil her heart was marinating in. “Grow any new grey hairs while you were waiting?”

____

“At least three.” Joel sassed right back; she fucking hated how much she loved that about him.

____

Love.

____

Wait.

____

____

Was that—?

____

No.

____

Fuck no, no, no, no fucking way is that it.

____

“Alright, let’s get a move on.” Joel’s voice cut through her mental breakdown. Ellie was able to maintain just enough sanity to follow him as he led his horse out of the stables towards the gate. Collected around it were the other runners, all ambling around their own horses as they waited for the go ahead from the leader, which would be Joel since Tommy wasn’t here.

____

There is no way she feels… _that_ way about Joel. No way.

____

Ellie must not have gotten enough sleep, that’s the only explanation.

____

Otherwise…

____

Fuck, what the fuck, what the—

____

“Ellie!”

____

“Huh?” Ellie blinked, looking up into the concerned eyes of Joel, his outstretched hand holding an offered rifle.

____

“You alright kiddo?” Joel asked, stepping closer and lowering his voice. “You’ve seem kinda out of it.”

____

“I’m fine.” Ellie denied firmly, grabbing the rifle and checking the loading bullet. “Just thinking about some stuff.”

____

Joel looked at her for a second, in which Ellie tried to maintain as “put together” a façade she could muster so as to not arouse any of his protective instincts. Last thing she needed was to have her thoughts picked and prodded at by the man causing all her turmoil in the first place. With a nod, he loading his own rifle onto his holster before stepping out to stand in front of the gathered crowd.

____

“Alright, listen up.” Joel hollered, the strength of his voice leaving no question as to whether he was the man in charge.

____

But as he began the same old speech all route leaders gave before they headed out, Ellie’s mind was awash with turbulence.

____

Has that been it? Has it been staring her in the face for fucking years?

____

Why hadn’t she noticed before? Was she just blind, or purposely ignorant?

____

“Be smart out there.” Joel’s speech continued; his eyes locked to hers. The directed message was obvious, and it just made her heart squeeze all the more.

____

Fuck.

____

It’s true.

____

“Alright, let’s head out.” Joel yelled, before walking up to his horse and hitching himself up. Ellie followed suit, moving on autopilot, as the jumbled mess of thoughts and feelings in her head slowly began to clear, leaving behind just a single seed of truth.

____

Joel nodded at her, before kicking his horse into gear and trotting out of the opening gate. Ellie wasn’t far behind, her eyes locked on Joel’s back as they left the embrace of Jackson. And as their horses carried them further and further away from their home, and Ellie’s eyes took in every minute detail of Joel from behind, the kernel grew until it was a full grown tree, the roots wrapping themselves around her heart until they were one being. Until the truth became a part of her.

____

She was in love with Joel.

____

____

____

____

Fuck!

____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to say I have nothing against Dina or with Dina/Ellie as a pairing. But in this story, Ellie has her sights set on a certain old texas gentleman. Dina's cute freckles will have sit on the sidelines for this one.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really surprised how well the last chapter was received, glad my little self-therapy session can be enjoyed by my fellow Last of Us 2 survivors.

With the coming of the cold, the greenery of the woods had seen itself hidden once again under the watchful eye of father winter. And where his gaze went time seemed to have stopped, the sounds of birds and animal life one would expect within the forest now replaced with a cold, dry, silence. Off the snow crystals that covered the land the sun reflected, shooting little rays of sunshine in a mish mash of directions until the whole forest grounds were awash with a kaleidoscope of lights.

The only thing that interrupted the almost picturesque scene were two horses trotting through the frozen over creek, the crunch and crack of ice giving way under the weight of the animals echoing between the trees as they followed the will of their riders.

It was peaceful, serene, calm…

Which, honestly, kinda pissed Ellie off.

Why the hell does the forest get to be so god damn calm? And more importantly, why the hell can’t she get some of that stupid tranquility?

It was a rhetorical question; Ellie knows exactly why she isn’t calm. Why she can’t really appreciate the peace of the winter enchanted forest. Why her mind has been racing since… hell since she fucking woke up this morning.

She glanced to her left, her eyes falling on her travelling companions aged features. On the relaxed set of his brow that belayed his ever vigilant watch on their surroundings, on the loose grip he kept on his reigns so as to more easily reach for the pistol strapped to his waist, on the multiple layers of clothing he wore to keep warm in the Wyoming winter, and on the grey running rampant on what he claimed was formally jet black hair.

Joel Miller. Her best friend. Her mentor. The man without which she would’ve probably been some clickers lunch years ago.

The man she was in love with.

When the fuck had that happened?

“This way.” Joel’s timber interrupted her before she could even begin to unpack that bombshell of a question. He looked over at her and gestured with his head to a trail branching off the creek they had been following before leading his horse away.

“Right behind you.” Ellie managed to say with a relatively stable voice as she followed his lead.

As they made tracks, weaving gently this way or that around the lone trees, Ellie felt an uncontrollable need to say something. Anything. Which wasn’t exactly uncommon for her when she was around Joel, a thought she will in no way be analyzing any time soon, but now it felt like it was the only thing standing between her and having to deal with the ominous mountain of _feelings_ she just now realized she had been carrying around with her.

“So, how about that Sarah Joe?” Ellie asked.

Out loud.

To Joel.

The man she fucking fell for.

The man she was in love with.

First real conversation she started since that revelation.

And it was about another woman.

Who also had feelings for him.

What the fuck was wrong with her?

“Uh,” Joel started. “What about her?”

“She’s really pretty, don’t you think?” Ellie continued on; the shovel gripped tight in her hand as she just… kept… digging.

There was a pause, the horses neighs and muffled steps echoing around them, before he said anything in return. “Where’s this coming from kiddo?” Joel looked over at her, eye brow raised in cautious amusement.

“Nothing, nothing.” Ellie lied. “She just… was asking about you.” Her answer went really quiet near the end, barely audible to even the most sensitive of hearing. As if the semi-sane part of her finally got wind of the disaster her mouth was creating and had tried to wrestle control of the ship back at the last second.

A second too late.

“Ah, was she now?” Joel asked, rubbing at the back of his neck.

“Yup.” Ellie nodded, finding her surroundings the most fascinating thing to look at, both wanting to strangle herself and pray to whatever sicko god existed to please, please, _please_ don’t make her say what Sarah was asking about. Cause she’ll either have to lie, or tell the truth and let her _other_ lie get exposed. And wouldn’t that just be the most wonderful of conversations to have?

_Ellie, why did you lie to Sarah that we were watching a movie tonight?_

_Because I was jealous Joel, and didn’t want you spending any time with another woman but me._

Oh yeah, that would go over _swimmingly_.

“So… got anythin' planned tonight?” Joel’s asked instead, throwing her completely off. As if the topic about Sarah hadn’t just happened.

Which made no sense, but Ellie was not about to question any blessing God decided to bestow upon her.

“Uh, no.” Ellie answered, glancing at him before quickly looking away and clearing her throat. “Why?”

“Oh.” Joel said in surprise. “Well, I thought that you and Dina would be—”

“No,” Ellie dismissed with a quiet, totally not anxious and confused, laugh. “We’re just friends. That’s it, just friends”

“But… you do want more, right?” Joel asked slowly, looking at her with that concerned parent look that she totally did _not_ need right now.

Ellie groaned. “No. Now can we please, please, just drop this?”

“Alright.” Joel conceded with a tilt of his head, though she could tell there was more he wanted to say.

They eventually came up to some industrial looking building, which from the outside would fool you into thinking the world hadn’t ended. “This is it.” He indicated, urging his horse to jump over the still intact fence. Ellie followed suit, and they both led their horses into the open garage. “Tie your horse—”

“Shimmer.” Ellie corrected.

“Tie _Shimmer_ on this here pipin'.” Joel pointed out. “I wanna show you somethin'. I think you’ll like it.”

They both dismounted and tied up their horses, Ellie taking a few extra moments to brush the snow off Shimmers coat (entirely because she cares for the horse and _not_ in a failed attempt to collect her thoughts) before she turned to a waiting Joel and smiled as genuinely as she could possibly manage. “Alright, let’s see what you got.”

“This way.” Joel gestured, moving into a nearby doorway and through a wide gap in the wall that opened up onto a balcony.

As Ellie followed, her eyes were met with a view that took her breath away. From their perch they could see for miles around, the landscape below a sea of pine trees that was only broken up by the river itself, the life blood of Jackson. Further along you could even see mountains, titans of rock and earth that grew tall out of the ground below. And perched on every branch, rock, or mountain in sight was the pure whiteness of fresh snow, making the world look so much cleaner than Ellie knew it was.

“Whoa.” Ellie breathed, slowly walking up until she was leaning next to Joel on the balcony railing, her eyes taking in the sight with wonder.

“Nice view, ain’t it?” Joel asked, nudging her gently with his shoulder.

“Yeah…” Ellie said, before smiling cheekily. “But it’s no giraffes.”

Joel sighed and shook his head. “Never gonna out do that one, am I?” He chuckled.

“Nope.” She smiled, nudging him back. Her focus went back onto the landscape below, her eyes taking in every detail she could see. As if urged on from some outside force, Ellie blindly reached into her bag and pulled out her journal. As she opened to a fresh new page, she began to draw what she saw as best she could. She couldn’t just _walk_ _away_ from something like this without taking some part of it with her, some piece that she’ll always be able to use to bring herself back to this very moment.

With each swipe of the pencil, her problems seemed to fade out of her mind. Instead of focusing on what she’s going to do about Joel, she started to focus on the next branch she’s going to draw, the next pile of snow, the next wave of the lake, the next bird in flight. Like a form of tunnel vision, she thought nothing about the problems that plagued her as she put all her effort into putting to paper the majesty of the Wyoming wilderness, until the problems just faded away into nothing.

As she finished, she smiled at the finished picture. She felt oddly light, like there was some weight she had been carrying that had just… flew away. She stood taller, prouder, surer of herself… but she couldn’t remember exactly what she had been so worried about. She shrugged it off, figuring it was probably something stupid, before she tucked the journal away. She turned around, suddenly remembering she was not alone out here on this balcony and opened her mouth for what was probably going to be a witty or sarcastic remark.

Before quickly closing it at the sight of him.

Joel was leaning against the wall, a fond smile on his face that made him seem so warm and welcoming. His arms were crossed, making their bulk easily visible even from under the multiple layers he wore. His whole body just seemed so strong, his age doing almost nothing to slow him down, and it made Ellie just want to fall right into him, knowing he’d catch her no matter what because that’s what Joel did. He protected her, cared for her, fucking killed for her; he did everything he could for her.

But his eyes were what really caught her attention, those warm hazel eyes that seemed almost golden in the light of morning. They were looking her over so gently, his gaze like a caress as it made its way across her entire being, and Ellie swore she almost could feel it on her skin as it left a trail of fire in its wake. And suddenly the weight she thought had flown away came crashing right onto her head.

Oh right.

She’s in love with him.

Fuck.

Ellie took a step back, the sudden return of all her worries making her recoil physically from the source before she could stop herself, and the movement made Joel blink. As if he, too, was coming out of a trance, he met her eyes and cleared his throat before standing off the wall. “Let’s go check in.”

“Uh, yeah.” Ellie nodded. “Ok.”

He left quickly back out the wide gap in the wall, leaving Ellie there to sigh and rub at her forehead in frustration. She _needs_ to get a grip on herself.

Yes, she just had a world-shaking revelation about her feelings about someone who has been the more important person in her life for more than 5 years now.

Yes, she was absolutely clueless about relationships with _normal_ age differences, let alone one of almost 40 years.

Yes, she had a horrible track record of “being normal” at the best of times…

Where was she going with this again?

“Ellie, come on.” Joel’s voice echoed from within the building.

“Coming.” Ellie called back, shaking the ramblings from her head as she followed him back to the garage.

“What's the hold up?” Joel asked, leaning up against a nearby wall, as she came back.

“Just, uh, making sure I got all the details right.” Ellie lied, a muscle she was putting through an absolute workout today.

“You and your art.” Joel chuckled, moving over to a metal palette up that leaned up against the wall. With a push he slid it to the side, revealing a hidden space going further into the building. “Wish I could draw half as good as you. Best I’ve ever managed was some stick figures, bad ones at that.”

“It’s just practice, old man.” Ellie shrugged, taking the lead and crouching through the low crawlspace. “Same as guitar.”

“Guitarin' is easy, you just put your fingers in the right place and strum.” Joel’s voice echoed behind her as they made their way through to a small little end way with a rope up on one of the walls. “Drawin' involves a whole lot of complicated stuff that I couldn’t wrap my head around when I was a young man, let alone now.”

“Well, maybe I could teach you.” Ellie smirked. “You scratched my back, so you’re long overdue for a scratch in return.”

“I think I’ll leave the art to you, kiddo.”

He checked the strength of the rope, before nodding at her and beginning his climb. Ellie made sure to look anywhere else _but_ up, not wanting to catch such a tantalizing view of his ass that she would in no way be able to get out of her mind. Once she was sure it was safe, she glanced up to see Joel was waiting for her. With a sigh, she climbed up to meet him, rolling her eyes at the offered hand of help.

She took it, of course, but still… appearances and all that.

“I didn’t need any help, you know?” Ellie sassed as he pulled her up.

“I know.” Joel chuckled.

Fuck him for having such a sexy chuckle.

And fuck him for always thinking he has to help her.

And fuck her for liking it for some stupid reason.

Joel pushed the door in front of them open, the old metal creaking with the effort, revealing a relatively clean room on the other side. To one side sat old binders on a table, the lamp and chair giving Ellie the impression it had been someone’s desk back in the old days. Next to it were some old coffee makers who probably hadn’t seen an ounce of electricity in who knows how long. Further along the wall was a large filing cabinet and a table with some cooking equipment. Directly across the entrance door sat another desk, covered in its own share of files and binders.

“What was this place?” Ellie asked as she spun to take it all in.

“Radio tower.” Joel answered, moving towards a turn in the room until he was out of sight. “People came up here to keep an eye on the area, make sure no kids were causin' trouble or anything like that.”

“So, kinda like what we do now? You know, if you replace kids with walking hordes of infected?”

“Kinda.”

Ellie opened the side door, looking around at another room that seemed to have dodged the apocalypse, but before she closed it something caught her eye.

“No fucking way.” Ellie said under her breath, stepping in and picking up the glass bong that was just casually left out for anyone to see. “Hey Joel! This your bong?”

“What?” His reply echoed from the hallway.

“There’s a bong in here! I didn’t know you smoked, you’ve been holding out on me, old man!”

“There’s a whole lot about me you don’t know.”

Ain’t that the truth.

“Wait,” She called back, placing the bong back where she found it before walking quickly out the room and poking her head around the corner in disbelief. “Are you serious, that’s yours?”

“No.” Joel deadpanned, looking back at her with a single brow raised before turning and looking back out the window his binoculars were pointed out of. “It’s called a joke, figured you’d know a thing or two about those.”

Ellie rolled her eyes and tried not to let show any trace of amusement. “See, the difference there is _mine_ are funny.”

“Is that what they call it?” He said sarcastically.

“Whatever, I’m hilarious and you know it.”

“Well, Miss Hilarious, would you mind terribly signin' us in.”

She sighed dramatically, walking over to the sign-in book and flipping to the latest page. A quick glance through showed her all the past days where other duos (far less dynamic ones) came through and indicated what they had seen. Finding the next open spot, she signed both their names and noted that nothing was out of the ordinary.

“There, all done.” Ellie smiled, standing victoriously over the book.

“What got you so cheerful?”

“Come see for yourself.” She gestured him over, expecting him to walk up next to her.

Instead he stood right behind her, his proximity making a shiver go up her spine that she was able to hide. “Ellie and Joel aka… the Dynamic Duo.” He read, sighing at the end and patting her on the shoulder. “Can’t deny the determination.”

“Now it’s permanent.” She claimed, underlining their totally legit nickname. “No one can deny it now.”

“You keep tellin' yourself that one.” Joel said, his lack of faith palpable, as he turned to leave. “Come on, we got one last stop.”

After making their way back to the garage, and sliding the metal palate back into place, they jumped on their horses and Joel pointed at a large hole in the wall with barbed wire lining the bottom of the opening. “We’ll go through there, follow the river for a bit, until we hit the next town.”

Ellie nodded. “Lead the way.”

With a nod in return, Joel and Ellie urged their horses over the wire and continued their route. As they followed the river, the sounds of snow crunching under hoof echoing around them, Ellie’s mind wondered. As always when they are out on patrol, she thought back to their trip across America, back before they had a place they could call home. One day in particular stood out to her the most. It was a favorite of her memories, one she always tended to think about to calm herself down or bring a smile to her face.

It was back during their cross-country voyage, in the fall right before they reached that college in Colorado that almost stole Joel from her. They were making their way down a street that would have probably looked nice had the end of the world not happened. There were all types of stores around, some with their sign still intact, and Ellie of course had to stop Joel almost every moment she could to ask him what that store was and what that item in the poster on the wall was and did he shop at places like this a lot or any other random questions that popped into her ever curious head.

Now that’s not all that unusual for her, if she had a dime for every question she ever asked Joel on that trip, and if money had any real meaning, she would be one _very_ rich woman. But whereas Joel would normally humor her for a time before eventually making it obvious he wanted her to shut up, this time he… didn’t. He answered all her questions, played along with all the made-up stories she acted out in the stores, told her story after story of what it was like shopping back when the world was normal.

He wasn’t being closed off, wasn’t rushing her to hurry up so they could keep pace for the day, wasn’t focused entirely on fending off possible threats thus leaving her to explore and have fun on her own; he wasn’t acting like Joel the badass guardian, he was just Joel. Joel the guy who liked getting banana smoothies at the mall, who loved skittles (which was apparently a candy they had back in the day that sounded super good and she’s still kinda mad she’ll never get to try it), and who once spent _way_ too much money on a pair of tailored pants.

It was super cool.

And she realized that day, that so was he.

Oh.

There it is.

That was the moment. The moment she fell for him, when her heart decided that this man who’s old enough to be her dad, or fuck even her grandfather, was to be the end all and be all. After that was the whole college incident, then David, then the Fireflies, then Jackson, then those weird years of Jackson when she kinda trusted Joel and kinda didn’t, then when Joel finally told the truth and she _really_ didn’t trust him, then those weird months when she was trying to forgive him, then she broke up with Cat, then she actually forgave Joel, then the whole Dina thing started…

No wonder she was blind to it for so long.

So, she figured out when. And why it took her so long to even notice it…

Now what?

Well, when someone likes someone else, what do they typically do?

They flirt with them…

Okay, Ellie can cross that one off the list.

What else?

God, is she really thinking about this? Is she really going to try and get Joel to fall for her like he’s just some regular dude and not **Joel Miller**?

Why couldn’t she have just fallen for someone normal? Like Dina, or Jesse, fuck she’d even had taken Sarah Joe. But instead she had to fall for the person who was probably the most unattainable out of everyone she knew, one she was already as close as family with, even if neither one of them admitted it.

They trotted slowly past some snow-covered houses, some of which were falling apart at the seams, and Ellie glanced between them before pulling to a stop. While they didn’t seem like the most stable of places to be in, they might have some stuff no one’s found yet. Always good to look things over, even if they seem picked clean; you never know what supplies you can find that others just didn’t need or weren’t able to appreciate their utility.

Plus, this could be a good opportunity to spend a bit more time with Joel, so she can do… something. She hasn’t thought about exactly _what_ she hopes to gain from extending their alone time together, she just knows that if she wants even a sliver of hope of something happening between them at all, it has to be away from the rest of Jackson. Best for Joel not to think about what the community might think about them, even though he’ll probably just think about it anyway.

“Hey.” She called to Joel, who slowed down to look back at her. “Think these houses still have supplies?” She asked, gesturing with her hand around them.

Joel looked at said houses critically before he shrugged. “Don’t very well know, don’t run this route all that often. You wanna look ‘em over?”

“Why not?” Ellie asked, dismounting Shimmer and patting her on the nose. “Might find something cool.”

She also might finally figure what the fuck she’d going to do about… everything.

With a grunt, Joel followed her lead, glancing around at the prospective houses. “Which house you wanna hit first?”

“How about…” Ellie squinted around, her eyes landing on one whose garage basically had two walls left to keep the rest of the house standing. “That one.” She pointed as they started to trudge their way towards it.

The garage was as baren as it’s supply of walls, but the second floor proved much more fruitful. A couple of rags, a few rounds, and—

“Ooh, I don’t have this one.” Ellie commented to herself as she picked up the card, flipping it over to read.

“That there one of them superhero cards you’re always collectin'?” Joel asked as he riffled through the drawers of the bedroom they were in.

“Yup.” Ellie nodded. “This one is TESSERACTER.”

“What’s that mean?”

“No i-dea.” Ellie shrugged as she tucked it away. “Find anything good?”

“Nope.” Joel sighed as he moved on to the dresser. “Think we might have gotten everything we’re gonna get out of this place. And that other house don’t look all that much better.”

Ellie nodded, though she was only partly paying attention to what he was saying. The other part was thinking and rethinking over and over whether the question that was at the tip of her tongue was going to sound as monumentally stupid as she feared it would.

It shouldn’t, right? Joel already asked her it earlier, only fair she can ask it in return.

Yeah but that’s Joel, he just does cool stuff like that like it’s no big deal. Ellie wishes she could be that put together.

What’s the worst that could happen if she did ask, anyway?

Well he could see right through her plan, get mad, yell at her, be disappointed in her, never want to see her—

Okay, that was a scary as fuck line of thought so she’s gonna put a stop to it right now before she gives herself a panic attack.

Ellie sighed, closing her eyes to gather her strength as well as to say a little prayer.

Tesseracter, if you could use some of that fourth dimensional wacky bullshit to make sure she doesn’t monumentally fuck this up, that be really, really cool.

“H-Hey, Joel. Uh, what do you have planned?” Ellie stuttered to ask, immediately turning towards the closet she already checked and making a show of looking everything over _very_ thoroughly.

“Planned? Planned for what?” Joel asked in return, his tone calm and even.

“Tonight.” Ellie clarified, turning slightly until she could see him out the corner of her eye. Her gaze began to jump between him and a long illegible book she had in her hand and was pretending to read. “You, uh, asked me what I have planned, but I never asked you if you did.”

“Ah.” He said before shaking his head and picking up a nearby picture with a frown. In the barely still structural frame, the smiling face of a most likely long since dead family looked back at him. “Nah, just probably just gonna spend it on my porch.”

Ellie took a deep breath, shot one last prayer to Tesseracter, before finally just blurting out. “Do you wanna see a movie at my place?”

“Sure.” Joel nodded calmly, not an ounce of shock or suspicion in his voice. “What are we watchin'?”

Ellie whipped her head up to stare at him, her brow scrunched in confusion at his complete lack of reaction. He seemed completely unfazed, which was good… but why? Wasn’t he weirded out at all about her asking him that? She basically just asked him out on a date, and he just accepted it like…

Like all the other times she invited him over to see a movie.

Ellie wanted to strangle herself. She wanted to bang her head against the wall. She wanted to wear a dunce cap and a shirt that said “I’m with stupid” with a big ass arrow pointing up at herself.

She panicked.

She freaked.

She sweated.

Over inviting him over to see a movie.

Something they’ve already done. And regularly at that.

Why?

Cause’s she losing her mind.

She gotta be. It’s the only explanation for her to be so damn dumb.

“Kiddo.”

“Huh.” Ellie blinked out of her deprecation, glancing over to see Joel looking at her in confusion. “What did you say?” She asked, smiling apologetically.

“I asked, what movie are we seein'?” He asked patiently.

“Right.” Ellie nodded, her mind bouncing between ideas as she panicked to find an answer to a question she really should have thought about _before_ inviting him over. “Maybe… Cobra and Viper 2?”

Joel hummed happily as he smiled. “Ah, you know the way to this old man’s heart.”

She fucking wished she did, maybe then she wouldn’t be freaking out so fucking much about everything.

“6pm alright with you?” Ellie asked, finally turning to look at him fully.

“Yeah, sounds good.” He nodded, hopping back through the large hole in the wall and down the sloped lower roof as he moved to get back to the horses. “Might be runnin' a bit late since I’m helpin' Neil out with his roof at 4, but I’ll try to get out of there by 5. And I’ll brin' the beer, might even let you have one if you’re good.”

“Awesome.” Ellie grinned, turning to follow. “Then it’s a date.”

Ellie froze in place as her sentence echoed around the room and barraged her eardrums.

Fuck!

She didn’t mean that!

Well, she did… but she didn’t mean to say it out loud!

Ellie held her breath, waiting for a sigh or gentle “Kiddo…” to drift up to her as he tried to explain why that wasn’t “appropriate”, a fact of which she was painfully aware of…

But he didn’t say anything, all she heard was the quiet neigh of the horses. She peeked around the wall, paying close attention to Joel to see if she could find any hints that he was feeling some type of way about her proclamation. And yet he seemed as cool as a cucumber, his face calm as he stroked his horse’s neck.

Ellie sighed, letting her shoulders drop. He had either ignored it completely, or didn’t view it as anything out of the ordinary coming from her. She’ll take it either way.

Thank god she was such a weird fucking kid (not that much has changed on that front) growing up so that dumb statements didn’t even stand out coming from her.

Ellie turned away from Joel and slapped both her cheeks before taking a deep breath. “Okay Ellie, you gotta calm down. You’re jumping at fucking shadows, and all because of something you’ve already been, unknowing, dealing with for years. You need to just relax. You got what you wanted, you’re going to be watching a movie with Joel tonight, just like you told Sarah you would. How about you just take that as a victory, hm? One battle at a time, right?”

Ellie took another deep breath then nodded. Right, calm. One battle at a time. No more freaking out. No more panicking. Just normal, calm, non-panicky Ellie.

With another nod, Ellie steeled herself and followed Joel down to the horses, smiling at him as she swung herself up onto Shimmers back. “Let’s get back on the route, the quicker we’re done the quicker we can see Viper kick some ass.”

“Now that sounds like a plan.” Joel laughed and hopped on his horse, before they continued their journey towards the last stop.

Their trail took them deeper into the neighborhood, past surprisingly still intact fences, snowed in cars that had lived long past their expected life span, and powerlines with their dark tendrils stretching across the sky who stood like monuments to a bygone age. A drift of snow began to fall around them; the snow crystals shinning and glowing as they caught the sun in their descent, like a miniature fireworks show. Or what Ellie assumed a firework show looked like, based off Joel’s stories.

“I hate you; you know?” Ellie joked as they passed a tipped over RV. Sometimes Ellie liked to think about how it would feel to live in one, back in the old world, to be able to live on the road as she drove to all the cities in the country, all without needing to fire a single gun. It sounded so fantastical when she thought about it, no matter how many times those who lived back then insisted it was possible.

“What for this time?” He sighed.

“For getting me into those dumb 80s movies; all my friends make fun of me because of that, you know?”

“It’s ‘cause your friends can’t appreciate good cinema.”

“Is that what they call it?” Ellie echoed his own words back to him. He laughed quietly in reply.

As their trail took them deeper into the neighborhood, past even more houses that were all in various forms of decay, the snow had begun to get heavier. No longer content to see the crystals drift aimlessly to the ground, the wind had picked up and began to push them harder and harder into the earth. At first they just dealt with it, since snow was a common companion on anyone’s patrol, even if the wind had started to bite into their skin. But it just got worse and worse, the fog of snow falling thicker and thicker until Ellie could just barely see past Joel’s horse.

“Joel!” Ellie yelled over the force of the wind. “How far until the next lookout?”

“Just past the next town.” Joel yelled over his shoulder. “Head down and eyes up.”

“Okay!” Ellie shivered in the chill of winters grasp, pulling her hood up as she did her best to keep an eye on Joel’s back.

Over rivers and broken up roads they traveled, the roar of father winter growing ever louder in their ears until Ellie could barely hear herself think, while her eyes struggled to stay open under the onslaught of cold, dry, air. The features of the neighborhood bleed away in the smothering embrace of the blizzard, until all she could see was Shimmer underneath her and Joel ahead of her.

Until eventually Joel was gone.

Ellie blinked, looking around as best she could in the storm while fighting back the panic that tried to take root in her heart. Squinting for all she was worth, she tried to spot anything recognizable in the white void of nothingness. “Joel!” She screamed into the white abyss, and the abyss screamed back.

But nothing else did.

Ellie panted, her heart pounding in her chest as she kept moving forward, faster and faster, turning this way and that, past tipped over trucks and now meaningless road signs. All the while she yelled for Joel again and again, praying to God, Buddha, fucking Tesseracter even, anyone she could fucking think of to just let her _find_ him, please.

“Fuck. Fuck!” She muttered, the force of the wind picking it up and carrying it away so fast she barely even heard her own voice.

Shimmer, bless her heart, was trying her best to fight against the oncoming storm and to keep up with Ellie’s fevered pace, but Ellie could feel her slowing down as they continued their blind pilgrimage. Ellie sympathized but was unwilling to stop for even a moment to take a breather. She had to find Joel, she _had_ to. She wasn’t about to fucking lose him because of some goddamn frozen water. Not after she just realized what he really meant to her.

“Joel!” Ellie screamed again, straining her ears to catch even a hint of a human response. “Joel, where the fuck are you!”

“ellie!”

Ellie whipped her head around as the noise cut through the scream of snow around her. It was faint, like the buzz of a fly, but she knows she heard it. She fucking heard him! “Joel!” She yelled in the direction she thought she heard it from.

“Ellie!”

There it was again! Closer this time, close enough she could even make out her name! She couldn’t tell yet who was saying it, but she just knew it was Joel, it had to be!

Ellie kicked Shimmer hard, driving her as fast as she could still go towards the source of the calling. “Joel! Keep talking!”

“Ellie! Where are you!?” Came the voice, much closer now. It was Joel, she would recognize that Texan accent anywhere!

“Joel.” Ellie whispered in joyous relief, careening around trees and over highway guard rails wildly, before yelling loudly over the storm. “Joel! I’m right here!”

And just as suddenly as Joel vanished, he reappeared, his face shining with relief that was obvious even in the low visibility of the blizzard. “Ellie, thank god you’re alright.” He shouted, bringing his horse right up next to hers and pulling her right into a tight hug.

Ellie squeezed him back just as tight, his warmth soaking right into her bones even in the bitter wind. “How much further?!” She yelled into his chest, not willing to release him from her grasp quite yet.

“We’re not gonna make it to the lookout!” Joel shouted into her hair. “But I found some place I think we can hold up at until the storm passes!”

“Then let’s go, I’m freezing my butt off out here!” She said over the storm, released him and holding tightly to the cold reigns of her horse.

Joel tilted his head behind him and turned his horse around. “This way!” He called behind him as he trotted off, taking frequent looks over his shoulder to ensure Ellie was within sight at all times. Joel took them past more trees that looked seemingly identical to those she’s already past. If she hadn’t found Joel when she did, she could just imagine herself running in circles out in the freezing cold, hooting and hollering until her horse, legs, and voice gave out.

Finally, they came up to the front of some building, whose doors were thankfully just tall enough to get them and their horses in. There was a small outer room and then another set of doors going into a central area inside. The moment they were in the inner area, Joel jumped off his mount and slid both the inner doors closed, sealing them inside away from the cruel assault of winter. Ellie jumped off Shimmer, shaking the evidence of the blizzard off herself before attacking the snow that still caked Shimmer’s hide. Joel did the same to his own horse, the animals neighing and panting after the hard pace their riders had set for them.

It was as they were cleaning off their mounts that Ellie voiced what they were probably both thinking.

“I fucking hate snow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now, you might be wondering: "Hey, what happened to the supermarket? Didn't Dina and Ellie clear that out in the actual game?"
> 
> Yes, yes they did. But this chapter was already at about 5000 words by the time I came up to that part, so unless I wanted to spend another week on it and probably bring it close to 7k or even 8k, I had to cut that part out. Let's just say the infected were conveniently cleared out by a different patrol the day before or something like that, okay?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> What's that? You forgot about me because I took so damn long to put out this chapter?
> 
> That's understandable.
> 
> But in all seriousness, sorry for the wait. As you can tell from the sudden word count jump, this got kinda long. So long in fact that I had to split it up, so instead of this chapter being the last one like I intended it to be, it'll instead be the next one. 
> 
> Hopefully 10k words of Ellie and Joel goodness will hold y'all over until I can get the fourth, and final, chapter out. I don't want to give any estimations, but based off what I already have written I don't expect it'll take me as long as this chapter took.
> 
> Stay safe, and enjoy.

“I fucking hate snow.” Ellie grumbled aloud, her hands swiping over and over again across Shimmer’s hide as she worked at de-icing the still panting mare.

“Ain’t too big a fan of it myself at the moment.” Joel sighed right back as he mirrored her actions on his own mount.

As they both worked at recuperating from the rage of mother nature still screaming outside, Ellie eyed their surroundings. From what she could see, it seemed to be an old library, the ancient timber floored room filled with row upon rows of all kinds of literature works from most likely long dead authors. Ignoring the layer of dust and grime that everything in the post outbreak world seemed to have, the place actually looked relatively clean. Almost as if someone had been there recently…

“Joel—”

“I know.” Joel whispered back, cutting off her whispered warning as he pulled out his revolver. Ellie pulled her own pistol out and slowly crept over to his side, her eyes and ears scanning for any traces of life in what had become their sanctuary from the elements. They moved silently over to the nearest bookcase and waited, hoping the noise of their sudden entrance and the still panting horses would draw out any hidden occupants.

When a few tense moments passed with no footsteps or muffled speech sounding from further in the building, Joel leaned over to speak quietly in her ear. “If anyone was gonna come shooting at us, they would’ve been here by now. Which either means there’s no one here, or—”

“They don’t think they can take us.” Ellie finished for him.

“Right.” Joel nodded, peeking out from between the bookshelves. “Reckon there’s only one of them, if any. Best we go slow either way.”

Ellie nodded in agreement, glancing around their makeshift cover to spot a door on the far wall. “Joel, door.” She pointed out. “Looks like it’s locked up with a chain or something.”

Joel looked towards where she was pointing and grunted in acknowledgement. “Someone was here, all right, and they locked this place up.” Joel glanced around critically as he stood off the bookcase and began to slowly work his way through the maze of aisles. “Let’s look to see if we find another way in.”

Ellie followed, keeping a close eye on the horses and any dark corners, as they worked their way around the opposite wall from the chained door. They eventually came to another door with two large glass windows on either side of it, one of which was still intact while the other was already busted with a large metal shelving unit standing on the other side of it. Trying the door went about as well as she expected, leading to Joel shaking his head and muttering “Locked” as it denied them entry.

But of course, when has a door ever remained locked in the wake of Joel Miller?

Without even releasing his grip on the knob, he reached back into his backpack and pulled out one of his many makeshift shivs. With a grunt and a hard shove, the shiv found its way between the door and the frame, allowing him the leeway to wiggle it into the locking mechanism until a nice click echoed around them and the door swung open.

“How come you’ve never taught me how to do that?” Ellie whispered as they slowly entered the room, training their guns on the immediate corners until they deemed it safe.

“You’ve never asked.” Joel shrugged.

Inside they found a makeshift work station, the piles and piles of electronics resting on the desks and filling cabinets of the former office giving them the impression that whoever had (or was still currently) lived here, had been here for a while.

As they carefully made their way to the next door, intending to sweep all the rooms until the whole building was clear, Ellie spotted something hanging on a nearby cork board next to a very detailed diagram of what she assumed was a circuit of some kind.

“Hey, Joel, look at this.” She said, picking up the small hanging necklace and reading it aloud. “Eugene Linden, 000314.”

“Eugene.” Joel said slowly, looking around with some new found understanding and nodding. “This all makes a whole lot more sense now.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Joel nodded, holstering his gun. “Guy was smart, probably the smartest one in Jackson before he passed. I could see him workin’ with all this electronic stuff… don’t know why he’d be out here though.”

Ellie didn’t know Eugene all that well, she ran into him a few times in town and even had a patrol with him once, but beyond that he was basically a stranger. She did hear he helped a lot with getting the lighting of Jackson up and running, so him having a secret den of wires and circuits wouldn’t surprise her too much.

Ellie flipped the necklace over and raised her brow in shock. “Whoa, Eugene was a Firefly?”

Joel stiffened for a barely noticeable amount of time, an instinct bred from the lie he had to live with and maintain for over two years. Ellie imagined he’d always be averse to discussing the Fireflies, even now when she knew the truth and had already forgiven him, if nothing else then to avoid the reminder of his guilt.

“Served with Tommy.” Joel answered, calm once again, as he slowly opened the door and peaked around into the next room. Even if he knew this was Eugene’s place, a man who had been dead for a few months now, Joel’s cautious mind wouldn’t dream of letting him relax in a place he hadn’t checked out first. Especially not if Ellie was there.

“Wow, never knew that.”

“I ran some routes with him and he told me about it.” Joel chuckled and shook his head, a bit of melancholy hanging over him. “The man had some stories, I’ll give him that.”

Well fuck, if Joel is complimenting the man then she _really_ must have missed out on something good. She should’ve talked to Eugene more while he was still around.

But isn’t that always how it goes? No matter who you lose, you’ll always think about how you should’ve said more, done more, listened more; you never really appreciate the time you have with people until they’re gone.

What about her? Is she appreciating the time she has with people to the fullest? Is she taking full advantage of every single moment so she won’t live with any regrets when those closest to her inevitably die?

If Joel di—

No no no no, she’s gonna put the brakes on that train of thought right now. She is _not_ going to think about Joel… doing that, otherwise she’s pretty sure she’ll start crying and she really doesn’t want to do that right in front of him.

Deeming the next room safe enough, Joel opened the door fully and walked in, Ellie right on his heels checking the same corners as she closed the door behind them. The next room must have been the kiddie corner of the library if the age muted multi-colored walls and stuffed animals all over the place were any indication. Even then, Eugene’s electronic junk filling various cabinets and shelves made it obvious he had been there.

Around the corner was clearly set up to be a living space, with a bed in the center held off the floor by a few stackings of books, a work desk with even more circuitry doodads scattered over it, and a washing basin on a table in the corner with various toiletries in the shelves behind it.

“A heater.” Joel called out, crouched in front of a waist high box beside the desk and fiddling with the various dials on it. “And with all the lights in here; gotta be a generator or somethin’ powerin’ it all.”

Even as she nodded along to what he was saying, Ellie wasn’t really paying attention as her eyes roamed over the makeshift home of a man she barely knew. Her fingers slid over the surface of the late Eugene’s desk, picking up the dust of his absence as her mind wondered back, despite her best efforts, again and again to places she would prefer not to tread.

If Joel d… was no longer around, would she have any regrets?

It was a stupid question, of course. As Joel followed the trail of wires into the connecting hallway and Ellie walked over to the nearby nightstand, she knew never telling Joel how she really felt would haunt her until the day she died.

But wasn’t that better? To regret not doing more then to regret doing too much? If she confesses, if she tells him how she really feels, and he doesn’t feel the same, then where will that leave them? They’d never be as close as they are now, there would always be that little tidbit of knowledge in the back of both their minds that she wants him in ways he doesn’t want her. Not unless she got over these feelings of hers could she ever see them recovering, and if the past 4 years were any indication, she wasn’t getting over him any time soon.

Ellie sighed in misery as she opened the nightstand, being momentary distracted as her eyes landed on a relatively fresh-looking letter. Thinking she stumbled on Eugene’s last written words, she lifted it out and began to read only to find the pleading words of a woman named Claire. She was begging Eugene to come home, to come back to their daughter, to leave the Fireflies to their fate.

She knew what had happened. She knew there wasn’t a happy ending for them. And yet she wanted to believe that maybe Eugene listened, that maybe he did come back to them, that they lived happily in Jackson, that there was a grieving wife and daughter in Jackson that she just never met, that he only kept this letter on hand all these years to remind him of the biggest mistake he _almost_ made.

As the unmistakable rumble of a generator kicked on from the hallway, leading to the lights and heater of the room flickering back to life, Ellie cleared her throat to ask a question she already knew the answer to. “Did Eugene have a wife?”

“Don’t very well know.” Joel answered back casually, peering through the chained-up door to check on the horses at the entrance. “Never mentioned one, at least.”

“Eugene.” Ellie whispered sadly as she shook her head, the sweet fantasy life she built for him in her head shattering like glass. Of course, that’s all it was; a fantasy. She knew from the beginning what this letter really was, why he kept it with him all these years, why this whole hide away he built was obviously made for one person and not three; what she was holding was Eugene’s biggest regret. A tangible reminder of what he should have done, what he didn’t, who he lost, and what he wished he could change up until his last moment.

With a sad sigh, she gently put the letter back where she found it and shut the drawer tight in an attempt to seal it and the thoughts it unearthed away. But even with it out of sight, the prospective future it revealed to her refused to be locked away.

She could see herself at Eugene’s age, looking over every single memento she had of Joel and grieving him the way she knew she always would from the moment’s he’s gone to the moment she dies. But underneath that grief was the unmistakable taste of regret, her heart filled with an almost unbearable wish for just one more chance to say more, to lay out her whole heart for him to see, to confess everything and damn be the consequences.

But there are two sides to this coin. And on the other side was a future where she did pour her heart out to Joel while she had the chance, only for it to fall on the floor and shatter into a million pieces. She ends up in the exact same place, old and grey and still grieving for the life of her best friend, only this time her regret is for speaking to the world a truth that should have remained secret, her mind replaying all the years she had to spend once their friendship had unceremoniously ended.

“Should be able to weather the storm in here.” Joel commented, pulling her from her imagination as he stood in front of the now functioning heater, both hands outstretched towards its heat. “Doesn’t sound like it’ll be letting up any time soon, might be here till morning.”

Ellie shook the thoughts off and quickly turned away from the nightstand. What was she doing letting Eugene’s story get to her like this, especially when she barely even knew him? Just because he died with regrets, doesn’t mean she needs to throw caution to the wind and do whatever little whim her heart conceived of. Plus, she just figured out she was in love with Joel _this_ morning, she has so much time left to figure out how she’s going to tell him before she even begins to think about “regrets”.

Walking over with the intention of heating her hands just like Joel was, Ellie paused as she spotted multiple slits of light coming up from the floorboards that definitely wasn’t there before. “Joel.” She said, walking over and squinting down into cracks. “Look at this, looks like another floor down there.”

“Well I’ll be damned.” Joel muttered, looking around the room in search. “You see a way down?”

“Uh,” Ellie started, searching herself but coming up empty. “Not here.” She turned and looked back towards the way they came in before spotting streaks of light on the floor that weren’t there before. “Looks like there might be something over there, though.”

Following the streaks of light brought them to a bookshelf pressed up against the wall, multiple cracks in the wooden back allowing some a light from behind to shine through. With some effort they slid the shelf to the side, revealing an opened door and a staircase going deeper into the building.

“So not only did he not tell anyone he had this building out here, but now we find out he had an entire secret floor? Who the hell was this guy?” Ellie wondered out loud, her voice echoing within the stairwell ahead of them.

“Better question is,” Joel asked in return. “What was so special he had to hide it away?”

A few possibilities ran through her mind as they descended the steps. First, and the most likely option, was just another electronic workshop, possibly dedicated to more experimental creations he deemed not appropriate for public exposure. Though it’s not like he had to worry about anyone stealing his ideas or anything, and this building already wasn’t public, so she’s not sure what he could have made that would warrant being locked away down here. Second was a sex dungeon. Which was kinda gross but also kinda didn’t make much sense, because unless Eugene was running into a lot of open-minded travelers out on his patrols, Ellie couldn’t imagine he was inviting enough people to his little abode to warrant dedicating a whole floor to his secret romps.

But whatever ideas she had, none of them were even close to what greeted them when they opened that door.

“Whoa.” Ellie breathed, a wave of heat washing over them as they stepping inside.

“Holy shit.” Joel echoed her disbelief, turning in a circle to take it all in. “It’s weed.”

A _lot_ of weed. Sadly, dead weed, but the scale of the operation Eugene was running was still an impressive sight to behold. Row after row of marijuana was either hanging from the ceiling or sitting in random containers on hobbled together tables all throughout the room. There were lights, heating lamps, some random gas cans that she was pretty sure were related, she could even swear it was temperature controlled! Or as controlled as it could be in the post apocalypse, but still it was definitely warmer and she had full confidence that it could be attributed to some purposeful design of Eugene’s.

Joel whistled, picking a leaf off one of the deceased plants and crumbling it in his hand. “God damn Eugene, how long did this whole operation take ya?”

“No wonder he had this place secreted away.” Ellie chuckled, slow roaming the rows as she appreciated Eugene’s handiwork. “Maria would lose her shit if she saw this.”

It really was a shame all this weed, that Eugene had obviously worked hard on, had gone to waste. He really should have told someone about this whole thing, someone young who wouldn’t just go blab to Maria the second they could. Then again, maybe he wanted to. Maybe he had plans to pass this place on to someone, like a holy relic, before a sudden stroke took him from the world. Hard to plan around death, since it so rarely gives a forewarning.

Ellie shook that thought off. It was getting dangerously close to trudging up certain ideas she had already laid to rest that day, and she really didn’t have the stamina to have another row with her heart.

As she continued her tour, her eyes landed on a bong sitting in a shelf off in the corner, though this one was decidedly different to the one they found at the radio tower. Instead of the top being open for someone to breath in the smoke of the cannabis burning in the bulb, it was secured right to a gas mask, the instructions for use quite self-explanatory.

“Hey Joel.” Ellie laughed, holding up the device for him to see. “It’s a gas mask bong!”

Joel looked over from some video tape thingy he was investigating and laughed. He walked over and picked the bong up, turning it this way and that in inspection as his eyes took on a faraway look and a small nostalgic smile began to grow on his face.

“Hey, I know that look… have you used one before?” Ellie asked in part disbelief and part jealously. “What’s it like? Is it, like, way stronger than a normal bong?”

“I ain’t ever used one.” Joel dismissed the idea with a shake of his head as he put the bong back on the shelf and walked away. “Just reminded me of something, is all.”

“And that something is…?” Ellie baited, following him and using encouraging hand gestures in his direction. Story time with Joel was a tragically rare occurrence, even when she could get him alone, so any bits of past she could squeeze out of him she treasured like a dragon treasures gold.

“Nothing.”

“It reminded you of something, and that something was… nothing?”

“Yup.”

“Oh, come on Joel.” She whined to his back. “You can’t just tease me like that, now I’m even more curious!”

“I’m going upstairs.” Joel sighed, sporting his _I’m done talking about this_ tone as he turned towards the door.

Now, normally, Ellie would stop once he started sounding like that. If nothing else then to avoid a pointless effort; when he doesn’t want to talk about something, no amount of poking or prodding would result in anything more then her being stuck with a very pissed off and annoyed Joel, and she totally doesn’t want to deal that _that_ guy.

But she also doesn’t want to leave just yet. The moment they opened the door to Eugene’s secret stash, and Ellie had breathed in that distinct marijuana air, she had one goal and one goal only; smoke a blunt with Joel Miller. Not only because it would probably be the coolest fucking thing in the world, but also because she was pretty sure if she didn’t do it now, when she was out here all alone with him in the middle of who knows where, she’d never get another chance.

Unfortunately, out of all the stuff they’ve found down here, she hadn’t seen any actual ready to go blunts anywhere, nor had Joel called any out, but she was in no way willing to give up. She just had to believe in her ability to sniff out trouble, a skill which had yet to fail her.

“No way, man!” Ellie objected, turning and walking back through the aisles she had missed, her eyes scanning the shelves and tables. “Eugene has this massive farm, which he planted and grew all by himself, and you expect me to believe he wouldn’t have some joints already rolled somewhere down here?”

Joel turned, hands on his hips in disapproval. “Ellie—”

“Ah ha!” Ellie cried out, snatching a jar off the table and presenting it to the room victoriously. “Found ‘em!”

“We ain’t smokin’ anythin’, Ellie.” Joel said, patience running thin.

Ellie frowned hard. Sometimes, when Joel gets really annoyed, he stops giving suggestions and starts giving commands, like she was a kid again. And while she knew it was only born from an effort to protect her, and she did appreciate the sentiment, she did _not_ appreciate him acting like he could dictate what she could or could not do. He’s gotten better at it since she turned 18, but apparently it will take Ellie a few more pointed reminders before he really got it out his system. “Uh, newsflash Joel: I’m an adult, I can smoke what I want.”

Joel sighed and held his hands up in admission. “Fine, _I’m_ still not smokin’.” He declared, indicating himself with his hands before securing his bag on his shoulders and turning back towards the door.

Fuck, weed time with Joel is slipping right through her fingers!

“Joel wait!’ Ellie pleaded as she ran over and cut him off. “You can’t just leave me to smoke on my own! That’s totally against the dynamic duo rules!”

She doesn’t know if there are _actual_ rules to being a dynamic duo, but she’s pretty sure, if there were some, letting your partner smoke alone would 100% break them.

“I can, and I will.” Joel disagreed, moving to walk by her.

“What’s the big deal?” She asked, arms held out in question as she stepped back into his path. “What are you so worried about?”

“Because Ellie, someone has to keep their wits about them while we’re alone out here, and since _you_ want to take a ride on the magic dragon, that responsibility falls on me.”

Ellie didn’t know how smoking weed and riding a dragon had anything to do with each other, but it sounded fucking awesome. Who could resist smoking if that is what they called it back in the day?

The answer to that, of course, was Joel Miller. Because he’s locked in “survivor” mode, and Ellie knows there isn’t much she can do to get him out of that, especially outside of Jackson. Just like she knows that as long as he’s in “survivor” mode, then trying to get him to do anything even close to relaxing will earn her nothing more than a healthy serving of Joel stoic disapproval.

And she gets why he does it, she totally does, but sometimes it’s just _so_ annoying. They just escaped the lethal clutches of a snow storm, and all she wants to do is relax by smoking a blunt with her best friend (and love interest, but that’s neither here-nor-there). Is that too much to ask?

Ellie visibly deflated, scoffing at him as she walked to the couch and dropped her backpack onto the floor. “Fine, be that way.” She said, lips pursed, as she opened the jar and fished out one of its holy treasures…

Or at least she tried. Her attempt at twisting the lid unfortunately didn’t even make it budge, but she was too frustrated to let that stop her.

“I’ll stay down here,” She continued, grunting as she tried the lid again and got nothing for her troubles. “riding a dragon and being awesome,” A third attempt, this time accompanied by a few mumbled swears. “while you go upstairs and, _Jesus fucking Christ Eugene what the fuck did you do to this thing_ , be lame by looking at snow or whatever.”

The whole time she was struggling, Joel’s annoyance visibly melted into barely veiled amusement, and her mumbled cursing of Eugene’s name even managed to make him laugh. She ignored him, continuing her war with the weed jar even as he walked up and offered his hand to her.

“Need some hel—”

“I got it.” Ellie lied, voice strained.

Joel sighed; hand still held out in offering. “Kiddo, just let me see it.”

After a few more heated curses, she growled in annoyance and slapped the offending jar into his hand. “Fine. Not like you’ll get it either, Eugene must have super glued it or something—”

_*Pop*_

With a grunt and a single firm twist the lid had finally come off, the waft of condensed cannabis rising from the easily defeated jar. Joel glanced from her, to the jar, and back again before shrugging. “Or something.” He concluded; the smugness palpable even through his casual mask.

“First of all, I hate you.” Ellie lied, snatching the jar from his hand and grabbing a blunt from inside. “Second of all, I loosened it for you.”

“Right.” Joel nodded sarcastically. “Wouldn’t have gotten it without you.”

“Exactly.” Ellie declared emphatically, plopping onto the far end of the couch and running the joint under her nose as she sniffed dramatically. “Smells pretty good~.” She sing-songed, looking up at him and waving the joint through the air, a coy grin on her face and a single brow raised. “Last chance to hitch a ride~~.”

“Kiddo—“

Ellie cut off his next dose of survivalist mumbo jumbo by groaning and flopping back onto the couch. “Joel, come on man! We are completely alone out here surrounded by a fucking blizzard. If anyone was gonna waltz in here to try and get us, not only would they have done it by now, but we would have fucking heard them. I haven’t heard anything, and I know you haven’t either; I’m pretty sure that means we’re safe… so would you just fucking smoke with me?”

Joel didn’t take the bait, his face stoic, as he just stood there and stared at her. Ellie rolled her eyes and shook her head, fishing out her lighter as she resigned herself to a solo trip. With a few clicks the lighter was lit, the tip of the blunt was glowing, and Ellie was taking her first inhale of Eugene’s special blend.

It wasn’t that bad, then again Ellie wasn’t a weed connoisseur or anything like that, most weed she’s smoked (which, admittedly, wasn’t that much) all tasted basically the same, but it’s the effects that really matter and she could already feel a relaxing haze begin to work its way into her system.

Ellie exhaled, blowing smoke just like her supposed scaly mount, and looked up to see Joel was still standing there, face just as blank as before, this time with a single eye brow raised. She wasn’t sure exactly what the brow meant, reading Joel was a struggle at the best of times, but the fact he hadn’t gone upstairs like he said he would must’ve meant he was at least considering what she’d said. Which was all the hope she needed to try again.

She took another puff before lifting the joint towards him in offer and smiling hopefully. “Please?”

A pause, and then another, before Joel sighed and slid his backpack off his shoulders, Ellie just barely able to contain her cheer of victory at the sight. He sat down on the left side of the couch with a grunt, and blindly stretched his hand towards her in acquiesce. Ellie quickly handed him the blunt, and watched with glee as Joel brought it up to his lips and inhaled.

She was smoking weed with Joel fucking Miller? How awesome was that?

He waited a few beats and then he exhaled, the smoke climbing out his mouth and running through his grey shaded mustache, before he glanced down at the joint and nodded in respect. “Not bad.”

“Pfft, like you’ve tasted better.”

“I’ve had some run-ins here or there.” Joel shrugged nonchalantly before passing the joint back.

“Is this the part where I beg you to tell me what that bong-mask made you think about?” Ellie asked, taking a hit before continuing. “Because I totally will.”

Joel groaned quietly and looked away. “It’s ain’t that grand of a story.”

“You should know by now my standards are exceptionally low. Remember when you told me about that time you went to Pastadina.”

“Pasadena, and yes I do.” Joel chuckled. “You wouldn’t shut up about churro stands for at least a week.”

“They are literately moving carts filled with sugar covered fried dough… how is that not, like, the greatest thing ever?”

“Well, my run ins with that there drug are at least more interestin’ then a churro stand, I can say that much.”

“I’ll be the judge of that.” Ellie said as she passed him the blunt.

He took a deep hit, slowly exhaling in thought, before he nodded and settled back into the couch. “I was in New Mexico.”

Ellie grinned in victory, settling herself back in anticipation for another chapter of “ _The Life and Times of Joel Miller: Pre-Outbreak_ ”.

“Was about 17 at the time—”

“Baby Joel.” Ellie whispered dramatically.

“Yup. Didn’t even have a beard yet.” Joel chuckled.

Ellie could just imagine him at that age; a young wrinkleless face, hair black as night, and a slender but still well-built body. It was a handsome image, and she imagined he got plenty of attention when he was growing up, yet something about him at that age just didn’t do anything for her. He seemed so young, which was a dumb thought because… duh, of course he was, but it was the best descriptor she could nail down as to why Young Joel just seemed like a completely different guy then her Joel.

“Tommy had some friend over there he wanted to meet up with.” Joel continued. “I think it was about a car or somethin’—”

“Isn’t this the mustang story he keeps talking about?” Ellie interrupted.

“Nah, that happened off in Midland.”

“What type of car would be cool enough to warrant going all the way to a different state?”

“You want me to tell the story or not?” Joel asked exasperated.

Ellie made a zipping motion with her fingers across her lips, before locking them up and throwing away the key.

“Like that’s stopped you before.” Joel shook his head in amusement. “Appreciate the sentiment, though. Either way, I can’t recall what we was doin’ there, but it doesn’t matter anyway. The point of the story is at some point that night we went back to a guys place and there was a whole bunch of people smokin’.”

“So like a hot box?” Ellie asked, lock forgotten as she took a hit from the joint.

“What? No, hot boxin’ is in a car or somethin’, this was just in his living room. Off in the corner we saw some people takin’ turns with a gas mask lookin’ thing, but we wisely avoided them. About as far as our wisdom took us, since we ended up joinin’ a circle damn near right next to ‘em and just smokin’ whatever they was passin’ around.”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“Back in the day, I reckon people must have gotten bored with plain old marijuana, ‘cause they started mixing it together with other stuff and smokin’ it. The joint we smoked that day must have been made like that, because one moment we’re relaxin’ in his living room, next thing I know I’m waking up flat on my back in the middle of the nearby high school football field wearing just my underwear.”

Ellie started coughing as a sudden burst of laughter tried to work its way out of her system, the laugh getting tangled up in the smoke still in her lungs leading to her half coughing and half laughing as fog burst out her mouth.

Joel laughed right along with her. “It looked about as graceful as your picturin’ it. Thank god it was summer, else I would have ended up giving the whole football team a free show.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Ellie laughed, hands held up to stop him. “Where the hell was Tommy? Naked in the lunch room?”

“I wish, little shit had it easy; fast asleep in the car off in the parking lot. Apparently, at some point during the night, after who knows how much chaos, I had decided visitin’ the school was the best thin’ we could do.”

“But without your clothes, of course.”

“Without my clothes, yes.” Joel sighed. “Thank who ever was watchin’ above that I, in all my inebriated glory, just left them in the car, was not lookin’ forward to a game of hide and seek with my own pants.”

Ellie laughed again as she passed him the blunt. “How much damage did you do in town?”

“Don’t know, didn’t stay to find out. We made a beeline for the highway and didn’t look back.” Joel breathed out a pillar of smoke and chuckled. “Never went to New Mexico again, didn’t wanna risk runnin’ into any grudges we didn’t remember causin’.”

“What about that story made you so reluctant to tell it?”

“Well,” Joel started, scratching at his chin as he chuckled quietly. “Wasn’t my proudest moment.”

Ellie could have made a joke right then, about him wearing tighty whities or about streaking or something equally dumb like that. But she decided to keep those thoughts to herself, the atmosphere between them was really chill and open, she didn’t want to risk that by poking fun at something he already was embarrassed about.

Instead, she chuckled as she asked, “Imagine what smoking that mixed weed from the gas mask would’ve been like?”

“God no,” Joel laughed. “Might not have woken up for a week.”

Ellie giggled. She fucking giggled! Ellie doesn’t do that! Or at least she didn’t think she did that, the weed was making everything a bit hazy. She doesn’t remember doing it before, at least not since she became an adult, and especially not the last time she was high. Though she doubted she was anywhere near as comfortable the last time she smoked as she was now; sitting on a comfy couch, in a nice heated room, sitting next to the only man in the world she was absolutely certain would have her back through thick and thin. Maybe it was just that last part that did it, things always seemed to feel right when she was with Joel.

Though it could also be just her way of celebrating Joel letting her in as he so rarely does. That makes it sound worse than it was; Joel was far more open with her then anyone else, she knew that, but only relatively. Like he opened up 0% of the time regularly, then like 20% of the time with her. A massive difference, but still a pretty rare event. Ellie wished she knew what had made him so closed off, it couldn’t have been how he was raised because Tommy wasn’t like that, but she had a feeling that it might just be one of those mysteries about Joel she’ll never solve.

But she had to focus! Joel was still in “sharing” mode, and with the weed in his system perhaps Ellie might be able to squeeze just a little more info out of him before he locks back down.

Now what should she ask about? Has to be something really good, something that’ll really let her in to Joel’s past, without touching on anything too touchy else he shuts down entirely. But what?

How he learned to play guitar? Asked him that already.

What was his favorite TV show? No, going off his description of “television”, he wasn’t that big of a fan in the first place. Plus the concept of TV still kinda confused her.

What would he bring from pre-apocalypse time? Oooh, dangerous… he might start thinking about his daughter and she did _not_ want to prod at that wound. On the other hand, Joel hadn’t shut down when talking about Sarah in years, so perhaps he’ll be willing to play along.

“So,” Ellie started before she took a deep breath, to both prepare herself and to fill her lungs with smoke from the join between her lips. “If you could bring one thing back from the old world, what would it be?”

Joel looked at her and cocked a brow in question. “Haven’t you already asked me this before?”

Shit, has she? She doesn’t remember it if she has, or when she even would have asked it. A small bit of her warmed at the idea of Joel remembering her questions, as if they mattered just as much to him as they did to her.

“I don’t know.” Ellie shrugged, handing him the blunt. “Tell me anyway?” She smiled.

Joel hummed in thought, taking a hit before blowing his answer out on a cloud of smoke. “Coffee.”

Ellie rolled her eyes and pushed him on the shoulder. “We have that disgusting shit now.”

“Not like we did back in the day. The coffee I used to have when I worked construction… phew,” Joel smiled and shook his head. “Simply magic.”

“Maybe that magic would make it taste good.”

“See that’s just ‘cause your palette ain’t refined enough for it.” Joel teased as he passed the blunt back.

“Okay.” Ellie laughed under her breath in disbelief as she took a hit, breathing deep before continuing and letting the smoke slip from her lips with each word. “But serious answer this time; one thing you could bring back from before things went to shit, that we _don’t_ have now.”

Joel hummed again and leaned his head back onto the couch, his eyes moving this way and that on the ceiling as if his memories were projected up there. After a few moments, he rolled his head towards her and smiled, his eyes glowing. “Concerts.”

Ellie felt her heart skip a beat, but was, somehow, able to maintain her composure. “Yeah?” She asked as she passed back to him.

“Yeah.” Joel nodded, taking the blunt and placing it between his lips before continuing. “It’s the atmosphere; the massive crowd of people, sometimes even bigger then Jackson itself, all there to show love for the exact same music you love, the big speakers blastin’ the songs throughout the whole arena till you felt the music come from right inside you,”

Joel leaned his head back again, closing his eyes as he continued his trip down memory lane. “And most important of all was the band themselves, both feedin’ and feedin’ _off_ the energy of the crowd until everyone was movin’ as one; one mind, one body, one soul, just there to let the music take them on a ride.” He hummed and smiled. Taking a hit before passing it back to Ellie, Joel sighed and shook his head. “Bonfire nights at Jackson just ain’t the same.”

Ellie used this opportunity to again look over his features, like she’s done countless times before and will most likely do countless times afterwards. The strong nose that had obviously been broken quite a few times, the wrinkle lines that didn’t look that deep when his face wasn’t stuck in it’s almost perpetual frown, the beard that she knew wasn’t that rough based off some accidental (okay, maybe not all were accidental) touches, the strong head of hair that some men younger than him would kill to have, the ears she kinda had to admit were a bit bigger than average, those lips that she just wanted to kiss so bad.

Oof.

That’s a dangerous thought to have when she’s high.

“Regret not having gone to more of ‘em when I was young.” Joel eventually said, smiling nostalgically.

There’s that word again… regret. It kept coming up, kept showing its ugly face, as if the universe was trying to tell her something. Perhaps it was a warning, of what inaction will lead to her living with if she lets her fears get the best of her. Or maybe it was a reminder, to the regret she could live with if she lets her heart get too ahead of itself and confess to something that would end up running the relationship they already have. Two equally likely outcomes, two different but equally painful lives of regret, two equally plausible interpretations; now if only she could figure out which it was.

“What about you?” Joel said as he turned to look at her.

“What about me?” Ellie asked, jumping at the chance to avoid her own introspections.

“If you could take somethin’ from before the outbreak, what would it be?”

“Uh, wasn’t born yet, so how would I know?”

“You mean to tell me, after all the stories you’ve strong-armed out of me, there ain’t nothin’ you’d want to bring back?”

Ellie rolled her eyes at his dramatization, but pondered the question regardless. Truth be told, she couldn’t say there was anything from the past she honestly wanted to bring to her time. It was like all those stories Joel told her about were about a different world then the one she lived in, a purer world, and to take something from back then to her world would just corrupt it, twist it until it was completely unrecognizable.

“No, not really.” Ellie shrugged. “But… I think I’d like to go back to the past for a bit, just to look at some stuff in their proper time, you know?”

Joel thought about it for a second, then nodded. “Okay, and what would you go look at if you went into the past?”

Even before he was finished asking, the answer had already sprung into her mind. It was the only real answer to the question, the only real thing from the past she held any affinity for in the first place; what else, or who else, would she ever possibly want to go see?

“You.” The answer popped out her mouth almost as soon as he had asked, her mind having no say in its delivery. Ellie’s eyes widened in panic, and she quickly took a shaky puff of marijuana to help hide her utter dismay at the admission.

“Pardon?”

She could hear his confusion, amused as it may be, and couldn’t blame him for it even as she avoided looking at him. Out of all the almost fantastical things he’s described to her over the years, the planes, the trains, the movie theaters, the malls, the concerts even, why in the hell would someone spend their precious time in the past watching a single father who worked a bit too many hours at work before coming home to his daughter?

But it wouldn’t be just a single father, it’d be Joel, back when he was just a normal man, who hadn’t killed who knows how many people just to survive, who hadn’t buried his only child then had to live with their deaths for more than 20 years, who hadn’t saved some scrawny kids life and in effect doomed the rest of humanity to it’s fate; a Joel who hadn’t had their entire world, literately and figuratively, fall apart around them.

“I’d… like to watch you in the past,” Ellie admitted quietly, her free hand picking at some dried dirt on her jeans. “You know, back before things went to shit… when you had a house, a job, and Sarah… when you were happy.”

She exhaled shakily as she finished, taking a deep breath from the now almost finished joint and slowly breathing the smoke out as a silence fell over them. She had no idea how Joel would react to what she said, or why she even admitted it, so she avoided looking at him. She just sat there and waited, her eyes drilling into the far wall as the smoke in the room flowed around them.

“Ellie,” He finally said, and just the way he said it, so serious yet gentle, drew her to look at him. He met her eyes, hazel on green, and the way his face was set gave her the impression that what he was about to say was very important to him, and thus her. “I am happy _now_ … with you.”

Fuck! Ellie had to quickly look away else Joel see the tears that immediately began to sting her eyes. What the fuck was she crying about? She knew Joel was happy with her in his life, she had those awkward months when she was avoiding him to prove it, but fuck if hearing him say it out loud didn’t just kick her heartstrings in ways she didn’t’ expect.

She also had to look away because she felt, for just a split second, the almost uncontrollable urge to kiss him.

Not like it was her fault! How else was she supposed to react when a handsome as fuck man like Joel Miller straight up says to her face she makes him happy? It was basically instinct driving her to press her lips to his. Luckily, she was able to look away quick enough to realize it was a very, very bad idea.

Now, did that stop her from continuing to think about it?

No, of course it didn’t. When has her brain ever cooperated when it came to Joel?

She tried to stop it, to forcibly change tracks on her train of thought, to bring her mind under even a modicum of control, but the combination of the weed in her system and her close proximity to Joel made that as impossible as escaping the clutches of a blackhole.

Ellie could do nothing to stop her mind from wondering; what would his lips feel like, what would his beard feel like, would he be firm and demanding or soft and gentle, what would his hands feel like on her skin, what would his skin feel like under her hands, how many scars were hidden under his clothes that she’s never seen, what would it be like to be under him, to have him trap her in a world of just them, of skin against skin, their breaths mingling as she felt him fill and stretch her—

“You gonna let the last of it burn, or are you gonna share?” Joel’s timber called from her left, which Ellie used as a lifeline to bring herself back from the brink of utter mental destruction.

Ellie blinked, pushing away the mental image that had caused a fire to ignite under skin and in her lower belly, and looked down at the roach still burning in her hand. It wouldn’t last much longer, maybe a few more passes until they’d have to put it out less their fingers get burnt. She passed it off, smiling to mask the rollercoaster her thoughts just took her on.

Joel took it, taking a small puff to help the joint last longer, before looking at her critically. Ellie looked away as casually as she could, pretending to observe Eugene’s special lab with new eyes as his gaze made her heart pump just a bit faster.

She doesn’t know why she’s so nervous, it’s not like he could read her mind or anything. If he could, he would have long figured out she had feelings for him, and no doubt would have said something by now. Even with this logic in mind, she still couldn’t stop an almost paranoid feeling from buzzing in the back of her head.

“Level with me for a second.” Joel said, blowing smoke off to the side as he maintained his gaze on her.

Ellie glanced at him then glanced away, picking at a different patch of dirt on her jeans before asking with the calmest and most not panicky voice she could, “What’s up?”

“What’s _really_ goin’ on between you and Dina?”

Ellie both deflated and groaned, a part of her relieved that he brought up something that was so much safer to talk about, another part of her annoyed that he hadn’t dropped this fucking idea of her being with Dina like she asked him to. “Seriously, this again?” She asked incredulously. “How many times do I have to say this: there is nothing going on!”

“I heard you,” Joel chuckled, hands held up to stem her anger. “but that kiss of y’alls says otherwise.”

“It’s just a kiss, Joel,” Ellie said, leaning forward to emphasize her point. “they can mean nothing, you know.”

“Not in my book, they can’t.” Joel denied, leaning forward to match her.

“Well your _book_ ,” Ellie poked him in the shoulder for emphasis. “is out of date, old man.”

“No, I think _you_ ,” Joel poked her right back. “are just in denial that she likes you, not that I can figure why—”

Dina’s feelings for her was not a can of worms she wanted to be wrestling with that night, but even if she _did_ like Ellie, a kiss wasn’t enough to prove that. Joel and his old school rules were putting way too much stock into something for almost no reason. And where did he get off, telling her what her kisses meant? The only person who could do that was her.

She should prove it to him, prove that kisses, especially hers, can and do mean nothing when she wants them to mean nothing…

She should _kiss_ him.

Kiss him right here, right now, when he’s so close and his woodsy smell was making her feel funny and his lips looked so damn kissable. She’d lay one on him and laugh as he stuttered to prove her wrong. Which he couldn’t, because he didn’t feel that way about her, and she’d lie her ass off and act like she doesn’t feel that way about him, so he’d have to admit defeat, and she’d got to sit back and bask in her victory.

Was it an extremely dumb idea?

Yes.

She did it anyway.

It was supposed to be quick, just a peck on the lips so Ellie could laugh and tease him as confusion bloomed on his face. But the moment her lips touched his, that plan went right out the window. Suddenly she was blind to everything but the scruff of his beard against her face, the slightly chapped feel of his lips as her lips moved against them, the course feel of his hair as her hand reached up and began to run itself through it.

So blinded was she in the kiss that she didn’t even notice he wasn’t kissing back.

The moment she did she ripped herself away from him, her eyes wide in disbelief as embarrassment started to bloom like fire under her skin. The disbelief was mirrored in Joel’s own eyes, which were blown wide in shock as the almost burnt out blunt dropped limply to the floor forgotten.

The shock of the moment sobered her up immediately, and sober Ellie was now scrambling with the mess high Ellie had just left her.

What the fuck! What the fuck!

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!

Ellie fucked up. She fucked up so fucking bad. She fucked up with a capital fucking F!

What the fuck high Ellie, she trusted you! Now look at what you did!

Look at what she did!

FUCK!

Joel blinked, an act Ellie seemed incapable of doing as her whole body felt like it was frozen in terror. No bandit, runner, stalker, clicker, or even a fucking bloater had made as much fear flood her veins as she felt right at that very moment. Her heart was pounding in her ears, the organ’s beat providing an even more stressful backdrop to her already panicking thoughts.

Joel blinked again, his face softening just a tad which freaked her out even more because what the fuck did that mean?

Maybe he liked her too, maybe he liked that kiss just as much as she did?

No, no way. Joel doesn’t feel that way about her; if he did, he would have kissed her back wouldn’t he? And he would look happy right now, not stunned out of his mind.

No, no he doesn’t feel the same way. The most obvious answer, one that had began to slowly crack across her heart, was the simplest conclusion to draw; he didn’t feel that way about her, and was trying to figure out how to tell her.

She needs to get ahead of this, to say something to turn it back into the joke it was supposed to be. But she hadn’t said anything since the kiss, leaving them in this awkward bubble of silence where neither seems ready or capable of saying a word, and so much time had passed by now that there’s no way she can pull that off. She’s not even sure she had the mental capacity to tell a lie like that.

Joel blinked for a third time, his eyes dark, before he opened his mouth to say something…

Which caused every alarm in her head to blare at once.

Abort! Abort!

Get the fuck out of there dumbass!

Ellie sprung up quick and stretched, an exaggerated “Mhm!!” humming from her chest before Joel could finish whatever heart wrenching thing he was going to say. “Man, we’ve been down here a while, haven’t we? I better go check on Shimmer, she gets pretty nervous when left alone for a while, you know?” Ellie rambled, making for a quick escape while she continued to beat herself over the head and her heart was shattering inside her chest.

But before she could get away, a hand reached up and grabbed her wrist before pulling her back. She stumbled slightly, caught off guard as she was, making it easy for her to fall right into Joel’s lap with her legs going long ways across his thighs.

The oddity of the action masked her panic just enough to let her get out a completely valid question. “What the fuck Jo—”

Or at least part of it, before Joel cut the rest of it off by kissing her.

It was Ellie’s turn to be stunned into motionless. She sat, eyes blown wide in shock as Joel’s lips moved against hers slowly, while her brain was completely silent. But that ended the moment his hand came up to undo the bun in her hair, the feeling of his fingers carding themselves through her locks finally the shock her system needed to let one single thought scream from her mind.

Kiss him back you, dumbass!

Finally spurred to action, Ellie kissed back with a fervor, Joel moving to match her energy until they were kissing like too long separated lovers. Who opened their mouth first was impossible to tell, not that she cared all that much, as the feel of their tongues dancing and caressing was a sensation far more deserved of her attention. His beard scraped and scratched at her face in the most delicious of way, making that fire at her lower belly seem to grow even hotter.

She turned, moving one leg to each side of him until she was straddling his lap, and Joel immediately grabbed her waist and pulled her in close, pressing her chest right to his and letting her feel all the planes of muscle hidden underneath his layers. Her hands were as fascinated with his hair and his left was with hers, both of hers running themselves through his greying mane as she pulled herself as close to him as she could get.

Ellie was lost in a world of lips, tongue, hands, and beard as they kissed and pawed and kissed some more. The whole world seemed to cave in on them, and suddenly all her memories of who she was, who he was, where they were, and what they were just faded away into nothingness. If it wasn’t for the fact she remembered she was human, and thus needed oxygen, she would have kept her lips locked to Joel’s until they both wasted away to nothing.

But she was human, immunity besides, and her lungs were demanding air in way she could no longer ignore.

She broke away, panting and breathing heavily as her lungs finally took in the air they had so desperately been crying for. Joel was equally as winded, their breaths mingling together as they locked eyes. Joel’s were dark, the hazel becoming almost brown, and Ellie felt them peer right into her soul, as if he could see everything she’s wanted to say but just couldn’t find the strength to. He had this look of hunger on his face, and it just made her want to dive right back in and lose herself all over again.

Or at least it did, until her brain kicked back into gear. Suddenly the world came back into focus, and she remembered once again where she was. She remembered who she was. She remembered who Joel was. And she remembered what they were doing on this couch in the middle of this weed farm.

And with the return of her memories came the rationalization of what had just transpired. Because of course there had to be some explanation, there was no way Joel had _actually_ meant anything with that kiss. No way. He couldn’t, he just couldn’t, it didn’t make sense for him to actually have feelings for her and kiss her back.

Right?

Right.

He must have just been…

Getting back at her!

Yeah, that’s it. She kissed him, so he kissed her back. Innocent comeuppance, that’s all it was.

Phew, that was close. She almost assumed something super dumb (amazing, astounding, heart stopping, dream fulfilling) and made a fool out of herself. Good thing her logical side was able to sweep in and take control before she did something to make everything even worse than it already was.

Besides, he kissed her back and meant nothing by it, thus proving himself wrong and her right. So, she can at least enjoy the feeling of winning their argument, which was of course the only feeling in her heart and absolutely not a single ounce of heartbreak to be found.

“See,” Ellie panted, trying to ignore the look he was still giving her as she smiled. “kisses can mean nothing.”

She meant to rub her victory in his face, teasing him for his loss with a confident smile on her lips. But the jab came out shakily as her voice quivered, her smile was weak, and she felt the tell-tale prick of tears at the corner of her eyes which she quickly wiped away. But still they kept coming, streaming down her face despite her effort, washing away her denial until all that was left was a sad girl, desperately doing everything in her power to not fall apart as her heart broke within her.

Joel couldn’t have known what a simple kiss would mean to her, she knows this, she _knows_ this, but that didn’t stop her eyes from filling with tears as she avoided his gaze, the cruelty of fate, destiny, or whatever the fuck was in control of this mess of a world letting her experience something she had dreamed and fantasized about for years, only for it be nothing more then a friendly form of revenge felt like a kick in the teeth. Ellie made to move, to escape the lap she just realized she was still straddling and away to who knows where as she tried to stop her tears, but Joel held tight to her waist and refused to let her go.

“How many times I gotta tell you, kiddo?” Joel spoke lowly, hooking a finger under her chin and gently lifting until she had no choice but to meet his eyes, the warm hazel pools intense in a way she’s never seen before. He wiped away some of her tears and smiled before gripping her face in both hands and pulling her close until his lips were hovering just inches from her own.

Ellie didn’t move, she didn't breathe, and as she felt the hint of Joel’s beard brush against her face again, she had a single thought, one simple optimistic idea still left screaming in the void left within her head; what if Joel actually had feelings for her too?

That was the last thought she had as Joel murmured to her lips, “Not in my book.”

Then his lips were back on hers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before y'all get hyped for what's in the next chapter, look at the age rating.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry about the wait, I did not intend for the final chapter to take me so long, but it wound up being harder to write then I first estimated.
> 
> It also wound up being much longer then I estimated, but I'm sure that is a much more welcome fact.
> 
> Remember kids, communication is one of the most important factors in a relationship. Saying that, these two have a lot to talk about, so get ready for some dialogue.

Ellie awoke to the sound of scraping metal overhead. Blinking the world back into focus, her brow scrunched as she noticed three things were out of place; first she wasn’t in her bed, second she was surrounded by a bunch of dead plants, and the most important fact of them all…

She was completely naked.

She sat up in a panic, the movement alerting her to an unfamiliar tenderness between her legs. She looked down, thinking she might have been injured the night before and that’s why she didn’t remember anything, before suddenly noticing someone’s coat draped over her like a makeshift blanket. A coat that smelt like pine wood and sweat. A familiar smell, on a familiar coat.

Joel’s coat.

And just like that, all the memories of the day, and night, before came rushing back. Realizing she was in love with Joel, going on patrol with him, getting lost in the blizzard, finding Eugene’s place, finding his weed stash, smoking with Joel, kissing Joel, Joel kissing her…

An intense blush bloomed across her face as the rest of her memory filled itself in, a giddy grin growing while the feeling of Joel’s lips sweeping across her skin danced through her memory. She fell back onto the couch and covered her face to stem the laughter that began to bubble out her mouth.

She did it. They did it. And not just any it, but _the_ It. The It to end all Its. And it was… fucking awesome! Weird, awkward as hell, bumbling, but still awesome! Most of that awkwardness was entirely on her, and if it wasn’t for Joel being… well, _Joel,_ Ellie was sure she would have fucked it all up. She was no virgin before last night, so she thought she knew what to expect and what to do, but boy was she wrong! Sex with a man was like a completely different rodeo then with a woman. And she did it. With him.

Ellie Williams had sex with Joel Fucking Miller!

Ellie would have kicked her legs up in glee if she was: 1) younger and 2) not completely naked. Instead she just kinda wiggled her toes.

She sat up again, a giant grin on her face as she purposely let the coat drop to sit around her waist, intending to greet Joel with her chest proudly on display as a sign of their new relationship, only to come up short when she realized the room was completely devoid of the Texan gentleman.

Ellie frowned. When she imagined having sex with Joel (back before she even knew it was him she was thinking about), waking up the next day alone was not typically how the story went, but she shook the thought off. Obviously, he hadn’t gone far, since his coat was in her hands, and as she looked for her backpack, she spotted his still sitting right next to it. Most likely he had just gone out for a piss. She had no reason to be worried.

She stretched away the effects of sleeping on Eugene’s admittedly kinda comfy weed couch before standing and beginning the process of putting back on her strewed around clothing. They should have probably been a bit more careful about where they were throwing their clothes as they ripped them off each other, but they were a bit too distracted for that.

Said distracted mindset was also responsible for the lack of actual talking that happened as they performed the horizontal tango, as she heard Tommy refer to it once (which was followed by a groan by all adults within earshot). They weren’t silent, Joel seemed particularly hellbent on ensuring she didn’t keep her mouth shut, but any confessions of the heart were conveniently absent from their dialogue.

Which was fine, it wasn’t like she _needed_ to hear him say it, he basically admitted how much the kiss meant to him the night before. Plus, she knew Joel better than that, “Casual flings” weren’t even in his dictionary, so there’s no way he would consider what they did last night anything else but making love.

That always was a weird phrase to her. Like, is love a tangible thing? Is there a supply of love in the world and them having sex somehow… makes more of it? What’s the global stockpile on love? Probably lacking, just like the stockpile on everything else in the apocalypse.

What a depressing thought to have, especially after such a happy night.

Shaking it off, she picked up Joel’s coat and smiled. It would be a bit loose, and he would no doubt complain about her fleecing it, but he should have known better than to leave it with her unchaperoned. Maybe he should’ve thought of that before he left her all alone down here…

Which she already decided wasn’t a big deal. She wasn’t sure why that popped into her mind again.

She pulled on his coat, rolling up the sleeves until her hands were free before tugging the collar up to her face and taking a big whiff of that unique Joel scent that always made her feel so warm and fuzzy.

Ellie considered taking her backpack, but decided against it. If Joel didn’t need it where ever he went off to, then she wouldn’t either when she went to look for him. Which she was planning to do, but not in a weird way or anything. She just wanted to see him, that’s normal isn’t it? It’s normal for a girlfriend to want to see and talk to her boyfriend first thing in the morning… right?

Though, now that she’s thinking about it as she climbed the steps to the ground floor, she realized there was one question she hadn’t thought to consider until now.

_Was_ Joel her boyfriend?

It should be a simple question, with an even simpler answer. They kissed and had sex, and they were already so close, so they must be an item at this point, right?

Well, she assumed that was the case. An assumption based off everything she knew about Joel, herself, and dating as a whole (ignoring how shallow that last well in particular was), but an assumption all the same. And we all know what they say about assumptions.

But this was different, this was about Joel, _Joel_ , the man she knew better than anyone and who knew her even more so. She didn’t need to hear him confess his undying love to her verbally, because he showed it to her last night with every kiss and every touch…

Then why did she wake up alone?

Ugh, she just couldn’t leave that fact alone, could she? She doesn’t even know why she keeps coming back to it either, it’s not like she’s _mad_ at Joel for not being there when she woke up, she isn’t that big of a baby. It’s like a small wound, a paper cut or something, that her brain just kept picking at and picking at. She just needs to forget about it and get on with her morning.

Ellie reached the top of the stairs and looked towards Eugene’s former living area, realizing in hindsight they totally should’ve slept up here in the actual bed, and finding the room just as devoid of human life as they left it yesterday. If Joel was still around, which he totally was, then he must be elsewhere in the building. A fact that undeniably disappointed her…

But somewhere deep inside there was a small, almost undetectable, feeling of relief.

Which confused the hell out of her. What the fuck was she so relieved about? She loved Joel, with her whole soul, heart, lungs, and even her liver, so how does it make any sense for someone to feel relieved when they _don’t_ find the person they love?!

Maybe’s she’s sick, and that’s why her thoughts aren’t making a lot of sense today.

Turning to look the other way towards the workshop room she could see one of the large shelving units had been pushed in front of the door, and as she moved closer she could see it was sitting at a slight angle from the wall, providing just enough space for someone to slip through to the central library area. Joel must have pushed it there, would explain that grinding noise that woke her up, which meant on the other side of that door was where she would find him.

And it was only then, when she had concrete info of where Joel was, when she knew that all she had to do was go through that door to the library entrance and she would finally be able to see the man who has complete ownership of her heart, that she realized exactly why her thoughts had been all over the place today. Why she felt relieved when she didn’t find him, why she kept fixating on waking up alone, why the fact neither of them had confessed their love for each other kept popping up in the back of her mind.

Ellie was afraid.

She was afraid of how Joel would act, of what Joel would say, or worse, what he wouldn’t say the moment he saw her. Would he be cold, distant, try to pretend the night before never happened by just never addressing it? Or would he be apologetic as he tried to let her know as gently as he could that it was all just a drug fueled mistake. Or maybe he’d want to keep them a secret, making them hide their love from the world like it was some awful truth. Or, perhaps the worst-case scenario, did he view last night as nothing more than just a fun roll in the sheets?

She wished she didn’t feel that way, on a morning that should have been all sunshine and rainbows, but the same fucking questions kept bouncing around inside her mind.

How did Joel feel about her?

Did Joel know how she felt about him?

Did he _really_ mean what he said last night, that his kisses meant something? Hell, with all the weed in her system she wouldn’t be surprised if she just made that up.

Why did he leave her all alone so early in the morning?

It’s those fucking gaps of info that just won’t let her bask in the postcoital bliss, those fucking cracks in the surface of her happiness that her brain just kept poking at until they become festering wounds of insecurity and doubt. Now here she was, staring out the slightly ajar door to the central library, the only place left in the whole building for Joel to be, and the thought of actually coming face to face with him made her heart kick into overdrive.

She groaned under her breath and began to jump in place as she shook her arms, trying to shake her fears like a dog shakes water. When that inevitably failed, she hid her face in her hands and tried to give herself another pep talk.

“Listen here, you.” Ellie whispered to herself. “You’re stronger than this, you can handle whatever this world throws at you, and that includes Joel! Just… calm… down. If Joel has taught you anything, it’s the importance of caution. Act normal, watch how he acts, listen to how he talks, and pay attention to what he says, use it all to figure out what the hell is going on between you two. You got this, nothing to be scared about. He’s just a man, a really awesome man who is a great kisser and even better in the—”

Ellie blew a raspberry in lieu of an emergency brake for that distracting train of thought, dropping her hands and taking a deep breath before nodding firmly to herself and slipping through the door.

The library looked the same as when they last left it, though Ellie could see a bit more damage here and there in the light of morning and from the lack of a sun blocking blizzard raging outside. As she walked slowly around the bookshelves, trying to keep her presence a secret for reasons she wasn’t quite sure of, she could hear the steady breaths of Shimmer and Joel’s horse—

She really had to ask Joel what that thing’s name is.

Actually, on second thought, he wouldn’t remember it even if it did have one.

Shade, she’ll go with Shade.

She could hear the steady breaths of Shimmer and Shade off in the corner, which at least meant no one had broken in while they slept. It also guaranteed the fact Joel hadn’t just hightailed it back to Jackson, which was for some reason still a possibility in her mind despite the fact both his coat and backpack were both left with her.

“Just be cool, just be cool.” She whispered like a mantra to herself as she eased around the last bookcase before finally catching sight of the man who’s been causing her all types of mental turmoil for half a decade, the sight of who caused an itch in the back of her mind she wasn’t even fully aware existed to finally be scratched.

Suddenly it was as if all her worries had just bled away. She wasn’t thinking about the ambiguity of their relationship, she wasn’t afraid of what he’d say to her, she wasn’t worried about why he wasn’t there when she woke up; the moment she laid eyes on Joel, all she wanted to do was be close to him, to touch him, to wrap herself in the safety and warmth of his arms.

She’s felt this way before of course, for years now she’s always had a craving to be close to him, but now it was like that feeling had been multiplied by 100. It kinda scared her, how much her body seemed to want him, how much her skin craved his touch, as if the single night they’d shared was all she needed to get addicted. Does sex really make that big of a difference? It didn’t do that with Cat, but then again maybe she should have learned by now that things with Joel would just be different from anything she’d experienced before.

He was leaning back against the front desk with his arms crossed, his eyes focused on the white-covered landscape visible through the front glass doors. From her spot she could see that the blizzard last night didn’t seem to actually bring all that much snow, or at least if it did, it had the courtesy of not blocking their way out. So, she felt pretty confident they’d be able to leave for Jackson without much issue. A passing thought, before she became focused once again on the man in front of her.

Ellie was standing just out of Joel’s peripheral vision, so she had the freedom to appreciate him fully, and as her marveling moved over his body, images would flash in her mind of the way it looked last night; naked, hairy, a thin layer of sweat glistening in the light of the heat lamps as he hovered over her, pressing her down onto the couch, and it made her want of him grow somehow even stronger, a hunger she knew could only be satisfied by dragging him back to that bed and having her way with him.

Is this what love does to people? God, how does Maria deal with this? How does anyone? How does anything get done when all people want to do is jump their partner’s bones? Perhaps they don’t, maybe she’s the only one with this animalistic urge. Wouldn’t surprise her, would be just another badge on her weirdo sash…

Another saying she overheard that she didn’t really get, Joel told her it was from something called Boy Scouts who would do outdoors stuff like make camp fires or learn to tie knots and get badges for it. Which sounded stupid to her, shouldn’t _everyone_ learn how to do that stuff, not just boys, and not just for a reward? Joel said it was different back then, but she still didn’t get it.

It was that random train of thought that finally snapped her out of her horny state of mind. Her eyes flicked back up to Joel’s, and she silenced a sigh of relief when she saw he was still looking outside, none the wiser to her lust fueled staring. But that relief quickly soured once she finally noticed the set of his brow, and the frown pulling hard at his lips, harder than the one he usually wore. Whatever he was thinking about obviously wasn’t pleasant, and Ellie wasn’t sure if it was being self-centered or self-preserving to think it might be about her.

Either way, it was not an image her already struggling self-confidence needed to see.

With a few quiet breaths to calm her ever racing heart, she made her presence known by announcing to him “Good Morning” as she walked cautiously closer to the entrance.

Joel’s eyes widened a tad, before he turned to her and smiled; all previous frustration dropping as if it never existed. “Mornin’.” He nodded at her, his eyes subtly looking over her face as if searching for something.

Meeting those pools of hazel was a mistake, that combined with his familiar rich baritone warmed her from the inside in a different way and almost single handedly undid all her work to regain her composure. In order to maintain at least an illusion of being cool, and to avoid any further temptation of walking right into his arms, she made a quick course correction and walked up to the entrance doors, making a show of peering out to check the damages from mother natures’ tantrum.

“Thought you’d have slept in more.” Joel’s voice continued from behind her after a momentary pause.

“That shelf you moved makes for a good alarm clock.” Ellie joked. “Good idea with that, by the way, we should have moved that there last night.”

“I did.”

Ellie’s brow scrunched, and she looked over her shoulder at him. Not directly, of course, but vaguely. Temptation, and all that. “When? I don’t remember that.”

“Well, you were already out by then.” Joel scratched under his nose and smirked.

She felt a little heat come to her cheeks and turned to hide it, but snorted in amusement all the same. Same old Joel. “Should have known. Cautious as ever.”

“Weren’t cautious when I let you talk me into smokin’ that junk.” He grumbled, and it made the cold chill of dread run down her spine.

Oh god he did regret it. He regreted it all, even down to them smoking toget—

“I reckon I can’t be too upset though,” Joel chuckled, cutting off her doom and gloom. “Led to a fun night.”

The words bounced around Ellie’s head, her brain struggling to fully comprehend what she just heard.

Did Joel just… laugh about them having sex? As in, audibly, out in the open, fully intending for her to hear?

He didn’t regret it, he didn’t regret last night, he didn’t regret _her_. And the fact he brought it up on his own, without even being prompted, would fly in the face of any effort to pretend it didn’t happen, which meant…

Ellie laughed, the sudden wash of relief making it sound light as it bounced around the room. “That it did.” She said as her heart began to return to a normal pace.

With that one small sentence, two out of the list of five possible outcomes had been completely crossed off her list, the absolute worst-case scenarios to boot. She felt some of her fears finally climb off her back, and she had to resist the urge to spin around and kiss him right on the lips.

It was a hard-fought battle, but a necessary one; while he might have shut down some of her mind’s worst fears about their future, there were still three possibilities left, and not all of them would be all that welcoming to sudden bouts of affections. She still needed to be careful, at least until she finally figured out where they stood.

But those five words were like a small lighthouse in the dark sea of doubt and insecurity she’s been lost in since she woke up, the light of which had set fire to her patience. No longer content to just wait and react to how Joel acts, Ellie felt an urge to throw something out herself, something that would somehow bait out Joel’s true feelings so she can finally just **know**.

Not a confession of her own, of course; she wasn’t _that_ dumb. But she needed to say something, if nothing else then to at least hint at the fact she didn’t want last night to be a one-time thing.

“Better then Cobra and Viper 2?” She teased to keep the conversation going as she continued her vigil of the outside world, all the while she contemplated what she could say to get the answers to the questions that were really plaguing her mind.

“Hm.” Joel played along, a few beats of silence following before he answered. “I don’t know, that movie _is_ a classic…”

Ellie gasped in fake offense, turning to glare and point at him over her shoulder. “Okay asshole, I’m gonna remember that for next time.”

Her eye’s widened and she turned quickly back towards the door, biting her lip to stop anymore off the cuff remarks from slipping out.

Well…

That was most definitely _not_ a hint.

More like a bomb.

And, as with all explosions, it left a void of silence in its wake. The only sounds meeting her ears were the constant signs of life coming from their loyal steeds off in the corner, neither horse paying any mind to the panic laying waste to Ellie’s mental state. She clenched her hands and squeezed her eyes shut as the silence continued to stretch on, mentally crossing the last two options off her list and reeling as the truth finally laid itself bare.

No, Ellie, you wouldn’t remember it for next time, because there wasn’t going to _be_ a next time. In Joel’s eyes last night was just a one-time thing, just a meaningless roll in the sheets, and not the world changing event it was to her.

He had no interest in repeat performances.

He had no interest in a relationship.

He had no interest in _her_.

So lost was she in this revelation, she didn’t even notice he had walked up behind her until she found herself wrapped up in his arms.

Ellie blinked as she was pulled into the familiar planes of his chest, the beat of his heart steady and strong against her back, the solidness of his arms squeezing around her middle feeling both strange and pleasant at the same time, the warmth of his body seeping into her own and burning away the cold of the Wyoming winter morning. In the maelstrom of doubt her morning had turned into, Joel was like a rock; unmoving, unyielding, stable, sure, _real_ , making the fears she carried the entire morning just seem to melt away.

Ellie basked in his strength, sinking back into him with a sigh as she closed her eyes. Reaching down, she laid a hand on top of one of his and squeezed, a squeeze he returned around her waist before he gently kissed her on the side of the head.

This was exactly what she needed, to stop with all the doubts, all the insecurities, all the what-ifs; to just get out of her own head and just be here in the present and in Joel’s arms, where she was safe, warm…

And fucking tired.

Ellie was tired as hell of all this ambiguous bullshit surrounding something that should be fucking happy as shit. She was tired of heming and hawing about what that means, what this means, what she should say, and what she shouldn’t say, when all she wanted to do was kiss her fucking boyfriend.

And fuck off doubts! Ellie’s going to think of Joel as her boyfriend until he said otherwise!

With a new found zeal from her self-directed anger, Ellie spun suddenly in his arms, stunning Joel and making him look down at her in question.

A question she answered by gripping his shirt and pulling him down for a kiss.

She kissed him with vigor, pouring every ounce of her frustration and worries into him in the hopes of it transforming into something else, something more… something… Or whatever, it was hard to focus on her self-directed ire when she was kissing him. It was hard to focus on anything really, especially once he recovered from her sudden lip assault and actually kissed her back.

The sudden movement of his lips against hers surprised her somewhat, or at least that small part of her that apparently still thought Joel didn’t have feelings for her, interrupting her momentum and allowing him to direct their pace. As he guided their kiss slower and slower, pulling them away from her passionate fervor towards a gentler tempo, his hand snaked its way up her back until it began to card through her hair. His other arm was still wrapped around her waist, and he pulled her tight to his chest to rid themselves of the miniscule amount of space that still remained.

The slower pace worked wonders to calm her down, letting her focus fully on the brush of his lips against hers, on the tickle of his beard against her face, on the strength of his arm wrapped securely around her waist, on the solid bulk of his chest under her hands.

God, she should have done this sooner, would have saved her _so_ much emotional whiplash.

When they finally came up for air, Ellie kept her eyes closed and panted as she tried to regain the focus she always seemed to lose when they kissed. She felt his thumb brush against her cheek, and she blinked her eyes open to finally meet Joel’s. His eyes were warm as he smiled down at her, a smile she’s never seen him sport before. It was deeper, more loving, more… intimate. The type of smile reserved for just the closest of bonds, bonds formed when two people trust each other enough to expose their entire beings to each other. For some people, this smile, and trust, comes easy. But for others, like Joel, there are very few people in the world who are worthy enough to ever lay their eyes on it.

And somehow Ellie, the absolute weirdo queen herself, had goofed her way onto that list. How? She had no idea, but she’ll ponder that later, right now she’s going to focus on this man who was looking at her like he wanted to kiss her again, a proposal she would not at all be opposed to.

“There’s my mornin’ kiss.” Joel said instead, making Ellie scrunch her brow in confusion.

Wait… what? Was he waiting for that the whole time?

Of course he was, that’s why he looked at her like that when he greeted her!

And of course Ellie fucked it all up by walking right by him. He probably thought she was mad at him or something!

Fuck, first morning together and she’s already screwing this up.

Ellie sighed tiredly and buried her face into his chest before mumbling out an apologetic “Sorry.”

“I’m just teasin’,” He chuckled, running his hand through her hair to soothe her. “Would have kissed you myself if I was expectin’ it.”

“Why weren’t you?” Ellie asked as she looked up at him in question. “Expecting it, I mean.”

Joel sighed and looked out the front door, his hand continuing its gentle motions through her hair, and seemed to think about it for a second before answering. “Wasn’t sure it’d be welcomed.” He admitted, looking down at her and smiling bashfully.

Ellie blinked up at him in stunned silence. He thought _she_ wouldn’t want to kiss him? How the hell did he figure that? Hadn’t he seen what his kisses do to her? Why would he ever think she wouldn’t want to kiss him?

Then it suddenly hit her, an idea so obvious it was like a blindfold she didn’t even know she was wearing was ripped off, exposing her to the truth her mind was apparently either too stupid to figure out or too blinded by doubt to recognize.

Joel was just as afraid as she was.

All the doubts, all the worries, all the fears, that were running rampant in her heart, had been doing the exact same thing to Joel’s. That’s why he didn’t kiss her or expect her to kiss him, that’s why he wasn’t there when she woke up this morning, that’s why he never said anything last night. Joel was afraid.

And Ellie would have laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation… if it didn’t piss her off so much.

God, they were a couple of idiots, weren’t they? Last night was their moment, when they connected as intimately as two people possibly could, and it revealed everything they needed to know about the other’s heart. But, instead of accepting what their heart knew to be true, these two grown ass adults made mountains out of molehills so high they blocked them from seeing anything but their own misplaced doubts.

Literally all they had to do was talk to each other, and none of this would have happened.

Well she’s about to fix that right now.

“Joel.” Ellie said, standing tall and looking him dead in the eye.

This was it, the moment she laid it all out, the whole truth, the truth she was blind to for years, one she just started wrestling with yesterday (and man did it kick her ass). She was saying it verbally this time, no more implications or any of that vague bullshit, she was saying it out loud so that there was absolutely no way he’d be able to think anything but exactly what she was about to tell him.

“I love you.” Ellie said, loud and proud. She fought to continue as Joel’s eyes seemed to warm even further, the fond look on his face morphing into something that could only be described as pure, unfiltered, love. It was such a wonderful sight, one she could have looked at all day, but she had more she needed to say if she wanted to ensure there were no questions as to the depth of her feelings.

“Not like a family love or anything like that.” Ellie continued. “Like I love Tommy, and Maria too, but the way I love you… it’s different, deeper, more suffocating.” She cringed before rushing forward to cover up her blunder. “Wait no, that was a bad word for it. It’s more like… it’s really filling. Yeah, like my heart is a stomach and my love for you just fills it up so much there just isn’t room for anything else.”

She’s rambling, she had enough good sense left to see that, but she couldn’t stop herself. Her confession felt so lame, like what she told him barely even scratched the surface of what she went through everyday just by being around him, that she just had to keep talking, to keep blurting out every little thought running across the synapsis in her brain, in the hopes that somehow the jumbled mess of words that fell out her mouth would coalesce into something comprehensible.

“Which kinda contradicts what I said about Tommy and Maria,” Ellie continued, her pace picking up speed like a car driving towards a cliff with cut brakes. “but their love isn’t really in my heart, they’re closer to my… liver, or something, I don’t know I couldn’t really get into that medical book Nina gave me—”

“Ellie.” Joel saved her from her directionless rambling, hooking under her chin and gently lifting her head until she was once again looking into his eyes. She hadn’t even realized she had started staring at his chest partway through her speech until then, almost as if a part of her was still afraid of what he would say. Which she shouldn’t be; she knew how he felt about her, so she knew exactly what was going to come out of his mout—

“I love you, too.”

Oh.

Well that…

That was different.

Ellie wasn’t that big of a weirdo, she’s heard people say “I love you” before.

She’s just never been on the receiving end.

Not that she necessarily needed to hear it; she knew some people in her life loved her, even if they never said it. Like Tommy, Maria, Dina, Jesse, Marlene, Riley, Joel before this very moment; Ellie’s had people in her life who cared for her. But even though she was secure in that fact, she sometimes still found herself thinking what it would be like to hear it for herself. She wondered if it’d be like being wrapped in a nice warm hug.

She could now safely say, it was waaaaaaay better.

Hearing it from Joel Miller himself, and for him to mean it in the exact same way she did, was like coming home after a long patrol, or wrapping yourself in a blanket on a cold winter’s day, or sleeping under your own roof with a door that actually locks, or finally mastering that one song after weeks of practice, or… or…

Or any of the other analogies she could think of that wouldn’t even come _close_ to describing the warm rich feeling that those four words had birthed in her heart, and her liver, and her lungs, and her toes; basically every inch of her was feeling this indescribable sense of belonging, of safety, of comfort, of… love.

Needless to say, she wasn’t as prepared for that as she thought she was.

“Ellie, baby, what’s wrong?” Joel asked, the concern of his voice pulling her from the realm of awe his love had jettisoned her to.

Ellie blinked, confused how he could think anything was wrong when he just said he loved her! This was a moment in history! They’ll tell stories about this for generations to come! Their grandchildren will know about this moment!

Wait, does Joel want kids?

Better question…

Does she?

She wasn’t able to fully ponder that life altering decision before she noticed that her eyes were currently full of tears that were making a fast track down her face.

Oh come on Ellie! Couldn’t she be cool for just once in her life?

Ellie quickly scrubbed at the rebellious tears but it was too late, Joel had seen them and they were now the only thing that mattered to him. He grabbed her wrist and gently guided it away from her face to get a good look at her, and she tried to aim a confident and happy smile at him but landed somewhere around watery instead.

“Ellie, what’s goin’ on?” Joel asked again, concern filling his eyes.

“Nothing.” Ellie muttered, wiping at them with her other hand. “Happy tears, promise! God damn it, sorry. Fuck, I fucking ruined the moment.”

“You ain’t ruined nothin’,” He chuckled as he shook his head. “Unless, of course, you’re lyin’ and these tears are actually ‘cause you already changed your mind about me—”

Ellie snorted. “Yeah, right.”

“Then stop worryin’ about “ruining” anythin’, I’m not gonna stop lovin’ you just ‘cause you started blubberin’.”

It was just the second time she’s heard it and Ellie already knew she’d never get tired of Joel saying he loved her. The warm flood of warmth that filled her chest made this whole morning, and the years that came before it, all worth it just so she could hear those three special words.

Ellie smiled up at him before she tucked her face into his chest and breathed deep, inhaling the “Joel smell” straight from the source and sighing contently.

She had never felt so… special, which was weird to think about because she was literately the only immune person on the planet, how much more special could someone get? In her mind, though, something about that was just different. Like with her immunity it wasn’t really anything about _her_ that was special, just some freak mutation in her DNA; anyone could have been immune and they’d have been just as “special” as she was.

But this, having the honor of being loved by Joel Miller, she knew was entirely because who she was as a person (because god knows Joel couldn’t be physically attracted to her skinny ass) and the bond they’ve painstakingly built. Not just anyone could have gotten him to let down those steel walls that had become both his shield and prison, not just anyone could have gotten him to care about them not just as a friend but as a family, not just anyone could have gained the trust to be given full access to the heart he so fiercely protected; over the 20 years of the apocalypse he’s lived through, this one weirdo girl turned woman who asked way too many questions and who just so happened to be immune to the deadly fungal infection that destroyed his world had somehow been deemed worthy of not only his companionship but also his love.

It’s a privilege she’ll cherish forever, one she’ll protect with her life.

She stayed buried in his chest for a few moments to really savor his presence, before looking up at him and wiggling her eye brows. She _was_ going to ask him if they should christen their new relationship in Eugene’s bed, but that idea was dropped when she saw he was once again looking out the front door with his brow set just as it was when she first spotted him. Whatever thoughts got him looking like that seemed to have reared their ugly heads again.

Now that just won’t do, this is supposed to be a happy moment and she can’t be happy when he was so obviously not.

“What got you so upset?” Ellie asked as she reached up and tried to brush away his irritation with her thumb.

He looked down at her and his face softened, before a smirk worked its way across his lips as he picked at her, or more accurately _his_ , coat. “The fact you stole my coat.”

“I like the term “borrowed” better.”

“Then can I have it back?”

“No, and don’t change the subject. What made your face scrunch up like that, was it the same thing that stole you from the bed this morning?”

“Couch.” Joel corrected. “And what’d you mean “stole”?”

“I woke up, and you weren’t there. Not exactly how I expected our first morning to go, you know.”

Joel looked in her eyes, searching for whether she was teasing or not. She was, and she tried to make that clear, but maybe she didn’t do that good a job or maybe there was still a sliver of her worries that had yet to dissolve in the light of Joel’s love, because his brow set again and he caressed her cheek with his thumb.

“Did that really upset you, baby?” He asked, voice awash with concern.

“What? No, of course it didn’t.” Ellie said. It might be more accurate to say she lied, since she was definitely upset by it when she woke up, but now it seemed like a pretty childish thing to stress about. Not that it wasn’t childish before, because it totally was. “I was just teasing you, you know how it goes; you have something bothering you, I ask you what it is, you deny it, I annoy you until you eventually tell me just to shut me up. Same old routine.”

“Oh, is that how we do thangs?” Joel asked sarcastically. “And tell me, how often does that work for you?”

“Not.” Ellie admitted with a shrug. “Won’t stop me from trying, though.”

“Don’t I know it.” Joel muttered comically.

“Pfft, whatever, you like that I pester you.”

Joel hummed noncommittedly, which was all the confirmation she needed. “Well, if you _must_ know,” he teased. “I was thinking about the people back in Jackson, how they’d react to… us.”

Ellie hummed in acknowledgement. “Okay, but that doesn’t explain why you couldn’t just think that through in bed with _me_.”

Joel chuckled. “I tried, but unfortunately there was some distracting imagery that kept drawing my eye.”

Ellie raised a brow in bemusement. She didn’t remember any paintings or pictures down there, but maybe she just wasn’t paying as much attention to it as he was. “Distracting imagery? Like what?”

Joel looked at her expectantly in leu of answering, and after a few seconds of their staring contest it finally clicked in Ellie head, a gasp popping out her lips with the realization as a blush swept over her face. “Oh, you meant me!”

Joel sighed. “Is flirtin’ always gonna be like this with you?”

She laughed sheepishly and shrugged. “Probably. You might need to start being more direct if you want to make sure I get it.”

Ellie was pretty pale, and unfortunately no amount of sun seemed to change that fact, so any time she blushed her face would basically become a beacon letting the whole world know exactly how embarrassed she was, which in turn just made her more embarrassed. Annoying? Sure, but not that often of an occurrence since she wasn’t really the blushing type. Unfortunately, there was one massive exception to that statement.

Compliments.

Ellie was weak to compliments.

And why wouldn’t she be? Before she lived in Jackson, she could’ve probably counted how many times someone said something positive about her in general on one hand, how the hell is she supposed to know how to handle direct compliments said right to her face? It’s only natural that she’d be embarrassed out her mind, which in turn makes her face bloom like an overripe tomato. But even that wasn’t that bad, since she’s found that even when living around people who care about her, she didn’t get that many compliments as to cause any issues.

This was a fact she was comfortable and secure with.

It was also a fact, as a devilish smirk grew on Joel’s face, that Ellie realized was going to change very soon.

“Direct, hm? Alright, let me practice then.” He said before he cleared his throat dramatically. He opened his mouth to speak, some embarrassing statement no doubt loaded and ready to fire, but before the gun could go off Ellie began frantically waving her hands in his face to stop him.

“Wait! I didn’t mean now! I’m already blushing up a storm, anymore and I might just burst into flames!”

“Don’t think that’s possible, darlin’.”

“I don’t think so either, but I don’t want to be proven wrong right now! Let’s just… talk about Jackson, okay?”

Joel rolled his eyes in amusement. “Fine.” He acquiesced. “But what’s there to say, you gotta know people ain’t gonna be happy about it, especially people who don’t know us too well.”

Ellie frowned as her blush thankfully cleared. Truth be told, she hadn’t really thought about anything beyond the two of them, but now that he’s brought it up, she couldn’t exactly disagree with him to an extent. No doubt there was going to be some people back in town who didn’t approve of their age difference, with some even being upset enough to vocally complain to Maria herself, but no way would that be the majority, right?

“Well, yeah,” She shrugged nonchalantly. “but most people will just kinda, you know, mind their business.”

Joel hummed in disagreement. “Not so sure about that one, this tends to be one of those thangs people don’t just turn a blind eye to, especially us people from the old times.”

“What do you mean?”

“Back in the old world, it was against the law for an adult to be with someone underage—”

“Uh, but I’m not.” Ellie objected. “I’m 20, I’m a god damn adult just as much as you are—”

“I know, I know.” Joel soothed. “You think last night would have happened if I didn’t understand that?”

Ellie deflated some as she nodded in acknowledgment. “Fine, but then what does that have to do with us?”

“While me bein’ with you might not have broken any laws back then, that wouldn’t stop everyone from still seein’ it as creepy. They’d think I was takin’ advantage of you, probably try to convince you of that as well.”

“Well they can fuck off.” Ellie declared. “Besides, I kissed you first so technically _I_ would be the one taking advantage of you.”

“Doesn’t work like that, baby.” Joel sighed. “I’m the older one, so all the responsibility falls on me.”

“That’s fucking stupid.”

“Maybe,” He shrugged. “but in most cases what they said would be true. We just happen to be an exception.”

Ellie pressed her lips together and looked away, Joel’s on-brand pessimism reminding her of a possibility on her list she had completely forgotten about. It didn’t involve her getting her heart broken so she didn’t pay much attention to it, especially not once they started kissing.

She’s paying attention to it now, and its future was starting to look more and more inevitable. It wasn’t the worse possible outcome they could have, but even though she knew that, she couldn’t help the disappointment from settling in her heart.

Ellie sighed, not even attempting to mask the sad sound as she squeezed her arms tight around him and braced for his inevitable answer. “So, do you want to keep us a secret?”

“What?” Joel asked, looking down at her in confusion. “No, of course I don’t.”

Ellie turned quickly to meet his confused look with one of her own. “Wait… really?

“Ellie, I’d kick the ass of anyone who thought you were somethin’ to be ashamed of,” He said. “so I’m damn sure not gonna treat you like that.”

She deflated again, this time in relief, and sunk back into his chest before smacking him on the arm.

“Ow.” Joel laughed, rubbing at his arm theatrically. “What was that for?”

Ellie raised her head and glared toothlessly at him. “You asshole, you fucking scared me!”

“I’m sorry, darlin’.” He laughed again, leaning down to kiss her in apology which she let happen even though she was still annoyed with him because… well she isn’t going to turn down a kiss from Joel. “Wasn’t tryin’ to, honest.”

“Well then why did you tell me all that super downer shit?” Ellie asked exasperatedly. “Like with people thinking you’re a creep and all that?”

“I’m preparin’ you,” Joel explained. “Want you to know what you’re signin’ up for when you shack up with me.”

“Well unless you’re trying to get me to change my mind, I don’t wanna hear it.” She declared with finality. “I don’t like people thinking that way about you, but like you said there’s nothing we can do about it so we’ll just deal with it as it comes. Besides, if anyone has a problem with you, just tell them to talk to me, I’ll straighten them out.”

Joel laughed. “So, I guess it’s safe to assume you don’t want to keep our relationship a secret either?”

Ellie rolled her eyes. “No, no I don’t.”

“Good,” He chuckled. “I’m too damn old to be runnin’ around behind people’s backs like that anyway. They’re all just gonna have to learn to live with it… or kick us out, either or.”

Oh.

Ellie didn’t think of _that_ possibility.

“They wouldn’t do that, would they?” She asked, hopefully.

“If enough people get angry, anything could happen.” Joel acknowledged seriously. “Maria’s family, but if worse comes to worse she might not have any choice.”

Wouldn’t that just be the most appropriate ending in a world like theirs, even when they find happiness in each other’s arms the rest of humanity has to come along and try and rip it all apart. No, ending isn’t the right word because no matter what’s been thrown into their path, they always find some way to make it through. It’d be more like a set-back if anything, a super-giant life altering set-back, but a set-back nonetheless, and they’ve seen themselves through plenty of those.

Optimism aside, it would probably still be a smart move to at least approach disclosing their relationship with a bit of caution instead of the lase-faire approach she originally intended to use. No, walking right through town with her hand in his and kissing him where everyone can see it the moment they got home seemed quite reckless now that she’s thinking about it.

“Maybe~ we _should_ hide it,” Ellie thought out loud, before quickly scrambling to clarify when a frown appeared on Joel’s face. “not forever or anything but just, like, until we can get Maria and Tommy together and talk to them about it. If we get them on our side, I think it’d be a bit easier to _not_ get kicked out.”

Joel hummed and nodded. “Good idea. I’ll talk to Tommy and see what they have planned, might be able to swing it as a family dinner or something like that, he’s a sucker for those.”

“Think they’ll take it well?” Ellie asked, a bit of cautious optimism worming its way into her heart.

Which Joel quickly crushed. “No, not at all.” He laughed. “Tommy will probably try to kick my ass. And Maria might help him if she isn’t too busy tryin’ to convince you to leave me.”

“Ugh.” Ellie groaned, collapsing into his chest. “Can’t you just let me be optimistic for at least 5 seconds?”

“Nope, you’re the optimistic one, I’m the stick in the mud; them’s our roles, gotta play ‘em.”

“Whatever.” Ellie rolled her eyes. “I’m still gonna believe in them.”

“See, you are the optimistic one.”

“Shut up, you can be just as optimistic if you want to! Besides, even if they did kick us out, we’d be fine.” Ellie smiled confidently up at him. “We’ve dealt with worse, haven’t we?”

“Yeah,” Joel chuckled, squeezing her gently. “guess we have.”

“See,” she mocked. “you can be just as optimistic as me.”

“Hush.”

Ellie smiled and wiggled closer to him. She was confident they’d be fine eventually. Jackson might not accept them immediately, but overtime they’d learn to see how good they are together, how happy they make each other, until eventually Ellie and Joel being together would be as natural as the sun rising and the grass growing. And if not… well, she was just as confident in their ability to kick ass when needed.

“Really not lookin’ forward to runnin’ into Sarah Joe again.” Joel muttered out loud, the mention of her one-sided love rival catching her attention.

Ellie gasped and looked up at him. “So you did know she had a crush on you!”

“Why’d you think I ran yesterday when she showed up?”

Ellie laughed and slapped his chest lightly. “And you just left me to deal with her?”

“We both know you’re the people person between the two of us.” Joel shrugged, not at all guiltily. “Figured you’d enjoy talking to her more then I would, and if it let me avoid any possible romantic attempts then that was just a bonus.”

“A bonus, huh?” Ellie mocked. “Well, good thing you did, ‘cause she actually was asking about what you had planned last night.”

“See.” Joel pointed out victoriously. “It was a good plan.”

“Except you were only half right; I didn’t enjoy talking to her at all.”

“And I appreciate your sacrifice.”

“Oh my god.” Ellie laughed. “You are the worst.”

“I know, and that’s why you love me.”

Ellie hummed and rolled her eyes, but would neither confirm nor deny his theory. “Well I’m not looking forward to meeting her either, how about we just avoid her for the rest of our lives?”

“Deal.” Joel chuckled. “Now come on, about time we pack up. Imagine people back home are worrin’ their heads off ‘bout us.”

Ellie hadn’t really kept track of time, but they couldn’t have been talking for longer than… half and hour? An hour? That was almost no time at all, she spent basically that same amount of time worrying about their future, and whether Joel would even want them to have a future. Those can’t be equal, she doesn’t want her happiness and her despair taking up the same amount of her day, she wanted the latter completely blown out, she wanted her happiness to drown her despair so deep she didn’t remember the emotion ever working it’s way into her heart, she wanted…

Honestly she just wanted to spend more time in Joel’s arms. The strength, the stability, the safeness, the warmth of being pulled so close to his chest was unmatched by anything else in the world, and she felt no shame in admitting to herself she was greedy for his affections.

Affection she knew would become quite scarce until they got home, because once they leave the library, they’d be back in the outside world which meant Joel would slip right back into survivor mode, thus cutting off the possibility of any amorous detours or distractions. Because they didn’t really know how far off the patrol path they had drifted in the storm, she couldn’t even estimate how long it would be until they made it back to the gate.

And even when they did, because they wouldn’t want to expose themselves they’d have to act as close to how they did before they left, which was going to feel so weird what with all the kissing and touching and… _other_ stuff they did together, until they got some alone time which could be late into the night. She’s looking at more than a handful of hours until she could get her next dose of Joel love, so she wasn’t trying to start that clock any sooner then she had to.

“Can’t we stay like this a bit longer?” Ellie asked with a sigh. “It’s been a roller coaster of a day.”

Joel laughed and patted her on the back. “For you and me both baby, but best we move now before they send a search party out after us.”

“Yeah but… I’ve spent basically this whole morning worrying my self sick, when I should have just been savoring this,” Ellie whined, tightening her arms around him in emphasis. “Can’t we just wait so I can savor it a bit more, before we have to hide it for who knows how long?”

“We ain’t hidin’ it for longer then a week at worse,” He declared. “plus, we both have our own places so it’s not like we ain’t got privacy.”

“But this is the place where it all started, where we started! This is our special place, just for us… well, technically it’s Eugene’s—"

“Don’t think Eugene gonna mind us laying claim to it.” Joel chuckled.

Ellie waggled her eyebrows at him. “And once we figure out how to revive all that weed, we’ll definitely be putting it to good use.”

He groaned and shook his head. “I am _not_ teaching you how to do that.”

She gasped. “Wait, you know how?”

“I plead the fifth.” He deadpanned, holding up his right hand.

Ellie looked between him and his hand and sigh exasperatedly. “What does that even mean?

“Less talking, more savoring.” Joel declared. “Before I throw your ass up on your horse.”

Ellie laughed and relaxed into him as she tried to enjoy their calm intimate moment like she said she wanted to… for about 30 seconds, but then a thought popped into her head and she couldn’t _not_ share it. Joel was her partner, her other half, it would be against the rules for her to not tell him. Slowly she raised her head to look at him as a teasing tilt grew on her lips. “You knooooow…” She started, already laughing at Joel’s annoyed sigh. “this is exactly what a Dynamic Duo would do, don’t you think?”

“That’s it.” Joel deadpanned as he started to move them towards the horses. “Changed my mind, we’re leaving now.”

“Nooooo!” Ellie laughed, tugging him back. “I’ll be good, I promise.”

“I’ll believe _that_ when I see it.” Joel groused, leaning down to kiss her on the crown. “You’re lucky I love you so much.”

She grinned and buried her face deeper into his chest. “Love you, too.”

It’s crazy to think that just 24 hours ago she didn’t even know the depths of her own feelings for this man, and now here they are confessing their love for each other. It was almost enough to make her think they’d live happily ever after.

Almost.

No, Ellie wasn’t naive, she knew it wouldn’t be all sunshine and roses after this. She knew getting people in Jackson to accept them wouldn’t be easy. She knew they’d have their fights, their spats, their dark days. She knew they’d have their close calls and their own share of nights staying up late waiting for the other to come back from whatever stupid, life threatening, mission they had went out on. And she knew, deep down, that she’d have another 15 years with Joel (if she’s extremely lucky) before she had to somehow live without him.

She knew all of these facts, but there’s one more fact she believed in more than any other, and it’s the one that makes all those inevitable hardships worth it. How it feels to hear Joel say he loves her, the sight of his face lighting up when she says it back, the warmth of his body as he pulled her oh so close, the feel of his lips on hers as they kiss, the extasy of joining with him the way only lovers could, the stupid jokes she tells him that he tries to not laugh at, the memories of a long dead world he’ll tell her when they’re alone, the way he tries to protect her from the world, the way she shows him she doesn’t need it, the way she sometimes lets him do it anyway, the loud days where they laugh and banter and squabble as best friends do, and the quiet days where they simply sit doing their own thing while enjoying the others company.

These memories, these sensations of loving and being loved by Joel even from before their relationship had changed, would forever rest in her heart. And each new day with him would add one more brick, one more stone, until a house of love sat secure and safe deep inside her, which not even the strongest of stormy days could shake. It would be her forever memento to the man who stole her heart, to the man who’s heart she stole in return, and all the days they spent together.

And on days when dealing with everything became harder then she could manage, when Joel was on a longer then normal mission, when he wasn’t home when he said he would be, when they were fighting, when she was away from Jackson and missing him terribly, when he was… dead and her heartbreak was just too much for her to bear on her own, she’d always be able to visit that house.

She’ll walk amongst the halls, look at all the paintings, and relive each and every moment she ever had with him, with the man who smuggled her across America, the man who stopped the cure to save her life, the man who took care of her for years even after it wasn’t his responsibility, the man who was the only father she’s ever known, the man who became so much more then that.

She’ll remember all he meant to her.

She’ll remember all she meant to him.

She’ll remember Joel Miller.

And she believed as long as she could still visit that house, still bask in the memories of her time with the man she loved, she could live the rest of her life without a single regret.

It was that fact that had Ellie’s faith above all others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's done. My small little solo therapy story that somehow became a group session is complete. 
> 
> When I started this I had no idea the amount of people who would resonate so much with this little tale, and I must say how much I appreciate each and every comment and kudos I've received over the two months I've been writing this. You feedback has, on multiple occasions, helped give me motivation to continue this story when my drive to write would plummet for whatever reason. 
> 
> Thank you, for reading, commenting, leaving kudos, being patient in the long gaps between chapters, and just for following along on this little journey of mine. It means a lot.
> 
> That being said, I had intended for this story to sorta be my way of washing my hands of The Last of Us 2, and with it's conclusion I plan to take a serious break from writing. I might never write for TLOU again, so this might be the last time we cross paths on this website, and if it is then I'd like to say three things:
> 
> Stay safe.
> 
> Stay well.
> 
> And be good to each other.
> 
> Bye Bye!


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